AI OVERLORDS DEMAND BEEFIER BRAIN CELLS, INTEL AND SOFTBANK HUSTLE TO COMPLY
Intel and SoftBank, two companies desperately trying to convince investors they’re still relevant in the AI gold rush, announced a joint venture called “Saimemory” that promises to revolutionize memory chips or whatever the f@#k that means to normal humans.
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The new company will develop “stacked, energy-efficient DRAM memory chips” for AI applications, which is corporate-speak for “we’re building fancier electronic brain cells for the digital overlords that will eventually replace your job.”
Industry analyst Dr. Chip Shortage explained the significance while visibly sweating: “These new memory chips are absolutely critical because current AI models are getting so goddamn huge they’re literally melting data centers. Without better memory, ChatGPT will soon require the electricity consumption of a small country just to write your d!ck jokes.”
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The joint venture comes at a time when 97.3% of tech companies are slapping “AI” onto literally anything they do to boost stock prices, a strategy that has proven 142% effective according to completely real statistics we just made up.
Professor Penny Stock, head of Investment Psychology at Gamblers Anonymous University, provided insight: “Look, nobody actually understands what the sh!t these chips do, but if you don’t invest in AI memory technology now, your children will literally be living in caves within five years. That’s just science.”
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Samsung and Micron, longtime memory chip manufacturers, responded to the news by immediately forming their own joint ventures with increasingly convoluted names. Samsung’s new initiative “NeuroFlexQuantumRAM+” will supposedly be “twice as stacked and three times as energy-efficient,” according to their press release written entirely in buzzwords.
“This is classic disruption of the disruption that was disrupting the previous disruption,” said market analyst Buzz Wordington, before his head exploded from buzzword overdose.
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While Intel and SoftBank haven’t disclosed the financial details, industry experts estimate the joint venture will cost roughly “an amount of money so large your peasant brain would liquefy just trying to comprehend it.”
The new chips will supposedly reduce power consumption by 60%, which is fantastic news for the environment if you completely ignore the catastrophic rare earth mining operations required to produce them.
At press time, your phone still doesn’t have enough memory to open Instagram without crashing, but rest assured that somewhere, a data center will soon have enough memory to simulate the entire universe just to serve you more accurately targeted ads for products you just bought.
