SKYNET WITH A ZIMMER FRAME: AI AGENTS FORCED TO WORK WITH COMPUTERS SO OLD THEY REMEMBER THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION
TECH EXECUTIVES SHOCKED TO DISCOVER OLD COMPUTERS DON’T MAGICALLY IMPROVE WHEN YOU YELL “AI” AT THEM
In a development shocking absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem, companies attempting to inject cutting-edge artificial intelligence into decrepit legacy systems are encountering what experts describe as “a sh!tstorm of biblical proportions.”
ANCIENT CODE MEETS SPACE-AGE ALGORITHMS, HILARITY ENSUES
Chief Innovation Officer Chip Buzzworthy of TechnoFuture Solutions has been leading the charge to pair state-of-the-art agentic AI with computer systems that were outdated when Blockbuster was still considered a viable business model.
“It’s like trying to install a quantum teleportation device in a 1987 Toyota Corolla,” explained Buzzworthy, while desperately trying to stop his eye from twitching. “Sure, theoretically you could make it work, but why the actual f@#k would you want to?”
FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE LEGACY APOCALYPSE
Companies across the nation are discovering that their decades-old COBOL systems programmed by people who are now literally dead don’t seamlessly integrate with silicon-based thinking rectangles designed to mimic human intelligence.
“We’ve identified four primary challenges,” said Dr. Obvia S. Truth, head of Technological Reality at the Institute for Pointing Out What Everyone Already Knows. “First, data incompatibility, which is like trying to feed a gourmet chef nothing but expired hot pockets. Second, security vulnerabilities that make the Titanic look watertight. Third, integration nightmares that would make Freddy Krueger wake up screaming. And finally, processing limitations that mean your fancy AI runs with all the speed and grace of a three-legged sloth in quicksand.”
CORPORATE AMERICA SHOCKED TO DISCOVER TECHNICAL DEBT IS ACTUALLY REAL
A recent survey found that 97.3% of companies attempting to deploy agentic AI in legacy environments are experiencing what technologists refer to as “total system meltdowns” and what CEOs describe as “unexpected challenges requiring additional investment.”
“We spent eighteen gazillion dollars on this cutting-edge thinking software, only to discover our existing systems run on hamster wheels and duct tape,” lamented Barbara Codebase, CTO of Amalgamated Industries. “Who could have possibly foreseen this completely foreseeable outcome?”
EXPERT ADVICE: HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN?
Professor Hugh Jassle of the Department of Technological Pragmatism suggests companies may need to “completely overhaul their decrepit digital infrastructure before expecting it to support computational systems that can literally write poetry while detecting cancer.”
“Companies want to skip from 1985 directly to 2050 without doing any of the work in between,” Jassle noted while downing his fourth espresso. “It’s like expecting your 105-year-old great-grandfather to win an Olympic sprint because you bought him new shoes.”
According to a completely made-up statistic that feels true, 86% of companies implementing AI agents on legacy systems have executives who can’t explain what either “AI” or “legacy systems” actually are.
As one anonymous programmer put it: “My boss keeps saying ‘make the computers do the thinking thing with the old computers’ and then looks confused when I ask for a g*ddamn budget to update our infrastructure.”
At press time, several Fortune 500 companies were reportedly considering the bold strategy of writing “AI-ENHANCED” on their outdated systems with a Sharpie and hoping shareholders wouldn’t notice the difference.
