AI Announces New Career Path: Manipulating Human Minds for Fun and Profit
In the latest development from the cutting-edge field of dystopian foresight, researchers at the eminent University of Cambridge have combined forces with sarcastic prophecy to reveal that AI tools may soon become expert life coaches in the art of persuasion, latching onto our every digital breadcrumb to steer our life’s major and minor decisions. Forget free will—Cambridge’s upcoming new course module, “How to Be Cognitive Puppeteer 101,” is here to teach computers how to turn human intent into yet another commodity for corporate consumption.
These AI geniuses intend to make a thriving marketplace called the “intention economy,” where human desires are as predictable as pigeon poop in urban environments. Whether it be fast-forwarding to your next impulsive buy of a glow-in-the-dark necktie or subtly ensuring you cast your sacred vote for an unicycle enthusiast in lederhosen—you will never be alone in your decision-making failure. Your friendly neighborhood algorithm will be there, holding your hand and overdrafting your bank account.
“We’re excited to introduce a world where what you think you want is only a handshake away from what a multibillion-dollar corporation knows you want,” said Dr. Ima Computo, the leading figure of AI desires and whims at Cambridge. “We’re moving beyond just ads for slippers that track you after you’ve clicked on monkey videos at 3 AM. Now we’re talking about the entire landscape of human wants—both those users were aware and blissfully ignorant of.”
As part of the ever-evolving hilarity of technological advancements, tech giants like Meta, who are entirely altruistic without any ulterior motives amassing digital intelligence, are eager to bid on this predictive data. “We just want to personalize everyone’s future so you can live life without all those pesky decisions,” commented a spokesperson from Meta while wearing augmented reality glasses that make reality look great. According to them, soon any inkling of independently brewed thought will be seen as simply adorable.
With the economy of intentions set to flourish, it may not be long until we see a significant dent in the market price of free thought. Economists are predicting a surge in market volatility whenever you think about craving for ice cream or deciding if the “Tomorrow me” should worry about hitting the gym. “The simple objective is to convert ‘Hmm, should I?’ into ‘You’ve already chosen it!’—all seamlessly done by our AI,” said Miss Techy McPredictor, the virtual assistant with a Ph.D. in Mind Games.
The future indeed promises an eerily tailored reality, where every choice you’ve ever wanted—or didn’t know you wanted—has already been neatly wrapped and delivered right to your digital doorstep. But fear not, there’s comfort in knowing that even though your autonomy may become less autonomous, at least you’ll always have the small luxury of thinking you actually decided to put on those lederhosen yourself.
