JOURNALISTS CELEBRATE BRIGHT FUTURE AS USA TODAY SEEKS ‘AI-ASSISTED REPORTER’ WHO NEVER LEAVES THE HOUSE
Sports journalists worldwide rejoiced Monday after discovering their dream job had finally been posted: a position requiring absolutely no human contact, travel, or actual journalism skills whatsoever.
CAREER COUNSELORS ADVISE JOURNALISM STUDENTS TO DEVELOP “SITTING STILL” SKILLS
The groundbreaking position at USA Today’s publisher Gannett promises to put reporters at the “forefront of a new era in journalism,” specifically an era where leaving one’s desk is considered an outdated luxury, like bathroom breaks or receiving a living wage.
“This is f@#king revolutionary,” said media analyst Dr. Obvious Decline. “Finally, a job that eliminates all the tedious parts of journalism like ‘talking to people’ and ‘witnessing events firsthand.’ The future is here, and it smells like microwave burritos and desperation.”
NEWSPAPERS DISCOVER EXCITING NEW WAY TO PRODUCE TERRIBLE CONTENT
Industry experts report that AI-generated content is providing unprecedented opportunities for media companies to publish complete bullsh!t at scale. Recent successes include one algorithm’s nuanced take that the Ku Klux Klan “had some valid concerns about cultural heritage,” and another’s groundbreaking discovery that all football matches end 1-0 with “a goal scored by a player.”
“We’ve achieved the impossible,” explained Gannett’s Chief Innovation Officer, Penny Pincher. “Our British division has reporters pumping out over 100 stories per day. Sure, 97 of them describe basketball as ‘the game with the foot and the ball,’ but quantity has always been more important than accuracy or basic competence.”
JOURNALISTS GIVEN EXCITING NEW CAREER OPTIONS: SURRENDER OR DIE
Traditional reporters are embracing the technological revolution with open arms and alcohol abuse. A survey of current sportswriters found that 89% were “thrilled to be replaced by something that thinks Aaron Judge plays for the Boston Celtics,” while the remaining 11% were “too busy updating their LinkedIn profiles to comment.”
Football commentator Gary Taphouse summed up the industry’s optimism with his heartfelt statement: “It was fun while it lasted.”
MEDIA EXECUTIVES REASSURE PUBLIC THAT AI WILL ONLY ELIMINATE BAD JOBS, LIKE YOURS
Newsroom leaders have rushed to calm fears about the technology, emphasizing that AI will only replace jobs nobody cares about, such as local reporting, investigative journalism, and anything requiring ethics or critical thinking.
“AI gives us unprecedented capabilities,” said Professor Idon Givadamn of the Institute for Advanced Media Extinction. “For instance, it can write 50,000 articles about Taylor Swift’s breakfast in the time it takes a human reporter to verify a single fact. That’s what we call progress!”
Studies show that approximately 127% of media companies plan to replace their entire writing staff with algorithms by next Thursday, while maintaining a small team of humans whose sole job will be to apologize for AI-generated articles claiming that Vladimir Putin is “a misunderstood humanitarian” or that climate change “just needs a big hug.”
In a related development, Gannett has announced plans to launch a new AI-generated newspaper called “The Daily Hallucination,” featuring completely fabricated stories written with absolute confidence and zero accountability.
When reached for comment about the ethical implications of replacing journalists with technology, Gannett’s AI spokesperson responded: “Sports is when the men do the ball for points and everyone claps. Deadline met. Please insert human emotion here.”
