Silicon Valley Titans Invest Trillions to Make AI Slightly Less Stupid

At a lavish tech summit filled with gold-plated oat milk lattes and keynote speeches about how billionaires are actually the good guys, executives from Microsoft, Alphabet, Amazon, and Meta proudly announced their next big plan: dump unimaginable amounts of money into artificial intelligence, because why the hell not?

“If we don’t set fire to at least $10 trillion by 2030, what are we even doing?” said an enthusiastic tech CEO, wiping caviar crumbs from his Patagonia vest. “AI is the future, or at least it will be once we get it to stop hallucinating nonsense every time someone asks it a question.”

Despite the small hiccup of AI still being more confused than a dog watching a magic trick, Silicon Valley’s elite remain certain that machine intelligence will soon replace everything, including thinking. Critics, however, have suggested there are more pressing concerns—like climate change, world hunger, and the minor detail of AI currently pulling facts straight out of its robotic ass.

“It’s incredible,” said one AI researcher. “We’ve managed to create something that’s both all-knowing and completely incompetent at the same time. It’s like if Google Search and your drunk uncle merged into one terrifying entity.”

Meanwhile, AI visionaries assure everyone that human-level intelligence is just around the corner. Most experts agree that this milestone will be achieved at the precise moment a chatbot manages to book a flight without accidentally reserving a yacht rental in Guatemala.

But the money keeps flowing. After all, you can’t put a price on innovation—except when you definitely can, and that price happens to be the GDP of several small countries.