“Groundbreaking Revelation: AI Shouldn’t Be Left Alone to Play Doctor Without a Chaperone, Experts Declare in Shock Announcement”
In a startling revelation set to rock the very core of AI, tech, and health care enthusiasts everywhere, researchers from MIT, Equality AI, and Boston University have bravely stepped forward to address the nation with an intriguing piece of news: Artificial intelligence might need a babysitter in hospitals. Taking a brief break from their critical role of fostering human domination over machines, this elite group proclaims that the time has come to peek over the shoulders of algorithms and ensure they aren’t plotting to prescribe cough syrup for broken legs.
Yes, you heard it right, folks! Against all earthly logic, whispering algorithms embedded in clinical settings might need a smidgen of oversight. Emboldened by a recent rule from the U.S. Office for Civil Rights, which shockingly suggested humans treat other humans equally, the researchers have taken this innovative approach to its natural conclusion: why not impose similar standards on our beloved digital decision-makers? One senior MIT academic envisioned a future where a surgically precise scalpel is accompanied by a scalpel-making-judgment-call committee.
“If we’re going to have algorithms decide whether you need heart surgery or just a good nap, shouldn’t we watch out that they aren’t accidentally biased?” quips Marzyeh Ghassemi, who admirably claims tenure for suggesting something blindingly common-sensical. The conclusion? Regulations! More regulations! Yet another conference in March 2025 where “important things” are allegedly discussed over gluten-free biscuits and artisanal kombucha.
The recent rule was, of course, born out of Biden’s whimsical idea to make AI use ‘safe, secure, and trustworthy’—a goal rightly criticized by several algorithm advocates on Twitter as a mere pipe dream. But fear not, naysayers! Harvard’s own expert, Isaac Kohane, reminds everyone that even the meek, traditional clinical risk scores could use a healthy dose of suspicion. “We should not be too trusting,” Kohane advises wisely, giving a concerned nod toward old-school algorithms that have gone unchecked like middle children in large families.
Controversy looms large with a looming change at the top of our political hierarchy, suggesting that not everyone might take kindly to this much-needed “bigger government involvement” in hospitals. Apparently, deregulation might be preferable to letting Skynet…err AI, drive patient care buses without a license.
With plans for further dramatic conferences and industry panel discussions filled to the brim with the word “policy,” the path forward is clear: more regulations, some hand-holding, and possibly a sassy AI nanny service to ensure our super-intelligent servers play nice with humanity. After all, unchecked power corrupts—unless, of course, it just takes over the world, in which case, well, best of luck to us all!
