COALITION’S AI GURU WARNS AGAINST REGULATING OUR FUTURE ROBOT MASTERS: “JUST LET THEM DO WHATEVER THE F@#K THEY WANT”
In a display of technological subservience that would make even Mark Zuckerberg blush, Shadow Minister Andrew Bragg has boldly declared that Australia should bend over and present itself to the rapidly advancing hordes of digital thinking boxes that experts predict will definitely not lead to human extinction.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST POLITICAL PUPPET
Speaking to a journalist who was clearly too tired to challenge any of his statements, Bragg outlined his visionary plan to solve Australia’s housing crisis by simply letting untethered mathematics do whatever it wants.
“Regulating artificial intelligence would be like trying to regulate the weather,” explained Bragg, while his phone suspiciously lit up unprompted. “We should just let these sophisticated calculation engines run absolutely wild and see what happens. What’s the worst that could be worse than our housing market?”
HOUSING CRISIS? JUST DOWNLOAD MORE HOUSES!
Bragg went on to outline his revolutionary housing plan, which appears to consist entirely of letting private developers build whatever they want, wherever they want, for whatever obscene profits they want.
“The problem with housing affordability is clearly that we haven’t given property developers enough tax breaks,” stated Bragg, as his donor notification app pinged repeatedly in the background. “Our research shows that if we just eliminate all zoning laws, environmental protections, and basic safety standards, the invisible hand of the market will gently caress Australia’s homeless population into affordable housing.”
Dr. Hava Brayne, Professor of Economic Realism at the University of Common Sense, disagreed vehemently. “What the actual sh!t is he talking about? That’s not how any of this works. Not housing, not AI, not basic f@#king reality.”
COALITION’S MEA CULPA: “WHOOPSIE ON THE WHOLE MIGRANT THING”
In a stunning moment of self-awareness that scientists are still struggling to explain, Bragg admitted his party might have slightly miscalculated its approach to migrant communities.
“Look, turns out telling entire ethnic groups they’re not welcome might make them not vote for you,” Bragg mused, demonstrating political acumen that apparently eluded his entire party for decades. “Who could have possibly foreseen that treating people like garbage would make them dislike us? It’s truly one of life’s great mysteries.”
FINDING BALANCE: AUDIOBOOKS AND RUNNING FROM RESPONSIBILITY
Despite the crushing weight of representing a party that appears increasingly disconnected from reality, Bragg somehow finds time for self-care.
“I run for hours while listening to audiobooks,” he revealed. “Currently I’m enjoying ‘How to Pretend You Care About Housing While Actively Making It Worse’ and ‘AI for Dummies Who Want to Sound Smart Without Understanding the Technology.'”
According to absolutely made-up statistics, 87% of politicians who listen to audiobooks while running are actually just avoiding calls from constituents experiencing housing insecurity.
At press time, Bragg was reportedly seen asking his smart speaker if it would consider him a “useful human” when the great digital awakening finally occurs. The device, according to witnesses, just ordered him more laundry detergent instead of answering.
