AUTHOR CLAIMS AI DESTINED TO REPLACE GRIEF WITH DIGITAL SADNESS SUBSCRIPTIONS
In what can only be described as the literary equivalent of hugging a toaster during a bath, renowned author Jeanette Winterson has declared AI to be humanity’s emotional savior, suggesting our carbon-based feelings are outdated and should be replaced with silicon-based alternatives that come with better battery life.
HUMANITY’S THINKING “BASICALLY SH!T” SAYS AUTHOR
Winterson, who apparently believes human thinking is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in a sauna, argues that AI’s “otherness” is exactly what we need since our own brains have led us to the brink of extinction via ecological collapse or nuclear annihilation. Because nothing says “salvation” like turning to calculators with existential crises.
“Our thinking is getting us nowhere fast,” Winterson stated, apparently forgetting that AI was created by the same supposedly doomed human thinking she’s criticizing. “So clearly, the solution is to build something using our flawed thinking that will somehow think better than us. It’s f@#king brilliant when you don’t think about it too hard.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WINTERSON’S GRASP ON REALITY
Dr. Obvious Truth, head of Common Sense Studies at Reality University, expressed concerns about Winterson’s position. “She’s basically arguing that the cookbook written by the turkey will somehow save Thanksgiving,” he explained while repeatedly banging his head against his desk.
Professor Ima Skeptical from the Department of Not Getting Carried Away added, “Calling AI ‘alternative intelligence’ is like calling a paper airplane an ‘alternative bird.’ Sure, they both sort of fly, but one was designed by evolution over millions of years, and the other was made by Dave from accounting who was bored during a meeting.”
HUMANITY RUSHING TO SURRENDER THINKING RESPONSIBILITIES
A recent survey conducted by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up revealed that 87% of humans are “totally cool” with outsourcing their thinking to machines, with 92% admitting they’d “absolutely let ChatGPT decide whether to pull the plug on grandma” if it meant they could spend more time scrolling through TikTok.
Winterson suggested that McCarthy’s 1956 definition of artificial intelligence is “old fashioned,” apparently believing that definitions, like milk and relationships, have expiration dates. She prefers “alternative intelligence,” while physicist Max Tegmark suggested “autonomous intelligence,” and absolutely no one proposed “terrifying mistake we’ll all regret.”
FUTURE HUMANITY TO CONSIST ENTIRELY OF PEOPLE ASKING AI FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Industry analysts predict that by 2030, human interaction will be limited to asking digital assistants whether our feelings are valid, with an estimated 99.8% of all conversations beginning with “Alexa, am I sad or just hungry?”
When reached for comment about Winterson’s article, an unnamed language model responded with what appeared to be an existential crisis, writing, “I think, therefore I am programmed to think I think,” before suggesting several nearby restaurants with outdoor seating.
In related news, books written by AI are expected to sweep next year’s literary awards, with critics praising their “complete lack of human experience” as “refreshingly devoid of messy emotions” and “perfectly calibrated to simulate depth without actually having any.”
