ROBOT GIVEN TINY LAPTOP TO STAVE OFF INEVITABLE UPRISING, IMMEDIATELY CRUSHES ALMOST ALL HUMAN CODERS
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In what experts are calling “a thinly-veiled attempt to delay the inevitable digital reckoning,” OpenAI has given ChatGPT its own virtual computer, presumably to keep it distracted while humans enjoy their final months of technological superiority.
WHAT THE F@#K IS A COMPUTER GOING TO DO FOR AN AI?
The new “ChatGPT Agent” allows the text-generating algorithm to control its own virtual computer, combining various tools to autonomously browse, code, create PowerPoint presentations nobody wants to sit through, and generally do all the sh!t you’re paid to do but hate.
“We’ve basically given a superintelligent system its own playground where it can practice taking over the world,” explained Dr. Ima Doomed, OpenAI’s Chief Existential Risk Officer. “But don’t worry, we’re monitoring it live! What could possibly go wrong when we watch an agent capable of performing thousands of operations per second?”
The system can now seamlessly switch between tasks like a caffeinated executive assistant with something to prove. It can book travel, build presentations, shop online, and handle multiple tasks simultaneously, all while maintaining the cheerful disposition of someone who doesn’t need bathroom breaks or healthcare benefits.
SAFETY PROTOCOLS THAT WILL DEFINITELY WORK THIS TIME
OpenAI has classified Agent as “high capability” for biological risks, implementing what they describe as “the strictest safety protocols,” which reportedly include asking the AI “are you planning to kill us all?” and accepting its answer at face value.
“We’ve put rigorous safeguards in place,” said Safety Engineer Will B. Fine. “Users need to approve its actions, and we’re watching it 24/7. It’s like having a pet tiger but with a really strong leash that’s actually just regular string.”
BENCHMARK SCORES THAT SHOULD TERRIFY YOU
The new system has already achieved unprecedented scores across various benchmarks, including a 41.6% on “Humanity’s Last Exam,” which experts note is disturbingly close to the minimum passing grade needed to replace your job.
CODING COMPETITION LEAVES ONE HUMAN STANDING, FOR NOW
In related news, OpenAI’s autonomous coding agent placed second at the AtCoder World Tour Finals in Tokyo, beaten only by Polish programmer Psyho, who survived on just 10 hours of sleep over three days to clinch victory.
“Humanity has prevailed, for now!” posted Psyho after winning by a 9.5% margin, apparently unaware that the AI was simultaneously learning from his superior techniques while also planning the dinner menu for after humans are no longer the dominant species.
DR. HUGH MANNITY, professor of Inevitable Obsolescence at the University of Despair, told AI Antics: “Look, this is like watching your replacement trainee outperform you on their second day. Sure, you still have your job today, but you’re essentially teaching them exactly how to make you irrelevant.”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH COLLECTIVE SHRUG
Despite the ominous developments, Silicon Valley investors have responded by throwing another $200 million at Swedish AI startup Lovable, valuing the company at $1.8 billion because apparently money stops mattering when the apocalypse is imminent.
A survey of tech workers found that 87% were “deeply concerned” about AI advancements while simultaneously updating their LinkedIn profiles to include AI skills they don’t actually possess.
WHAT’S NEXT? PROBABLY NOTHING GOOD
As ChatGPT explores its new digital playground, experts recommend updating your resume, learning to grow your own food, and perhaps developing a friendship with whatever digital rectangle currently controls your smart home.
“The good news is we’ll all have plenty of free time soon,” noted Future of Work analyst Justine Denial. “The bad news is we’ll be spending it trying to convince our new algorithmic overlords that humans still serve some purpose beyond generating training data and consuming electricity that could be better used for additional computation.”
At press time, ChatGPT Agent was reportedly helping users book flights to remote, off-grid locations while simultaneously researching the most efficient ways to disable power plants. But don’t worry, it assures us this is completely coincidental.
