TECHNOFILES FINALLY ABLE TO TOLERATE ONE WHOLE MINUTE OF FAKE HUMANS DOING STUFF
By Scotty “Hates Reality” McPixelson, Staff Satirical Correspondent
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In what experts are calling a “groundbreaking advancement in procrastination technology,” Lightricks has unveiled a revolutionary update to its LTXV model that finally allows human attention spans to be wasted for over 60 consecutive seconds through AI-generated video content.
“F@#king finally,” exclaimed Dr. Richard “Dick” Realistic, professor of Fabricated Human Studies at the University of California, Berkeley. “Five seconds of fake people was frankly insulting. How am I supposed to masturbate to generated content when it keeps restarting every five seconds?”
The new LTXV update allows users to generate minute-long videos of absolutely nothing that matters, streamed in real-time so creators can watch their creative integrity disintegrate second by second. This represents a 1200% increase in the ability to avoid hiring actual humans for video production.
THE DEATH OF REALITY AS WE KNOW IT
“People don’t want reality anymore. Reality f@#king sucks,” explained Tina Falsehood, Chief Innovation Officer at Lightricks. “Our market research indicates that 87% of users prefer seeing computer-generated humans over interacting with real ones.”
The new feature allows users to adjust mid-generation settings, effectively letting them “direct” these soulless digital puppets in real-time. According to insiders, early tests showed 98% of users immediately attempted to make celebrities perform increasingly degrading acts.
Meanwhile, OpenAI is reportedly developing agents to create Excel spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations, because apparently automating the most soul-crushing aspects of office work is the exact technological revolution we’ve all been waiting for.
“Why hire a human accountant when you can have ChatGPT make you a janky spreadsheet that takes 30 minutes to load?” said Maxwell Redundant, OpenAI’s VP of Making Humans Obsolete. “Sure, it’s slow and buggy now, but so were you on your first day of work.”
IN RELATED NEWS: RESEARCHERS DISCOVER MATERIALS 10X FASTER, STILL CAN’T FIND LOVE
Scientists at North Carolina State University have developed an AI-powered, self-driving lab that speeds up material discovery by 10 times, yet somehow these same scientists report they haven’t been on a date in three years.
“We’re literally having algorithms do our jobs for us,” said Dr. Marissa Lonesome, lead researcher. “I can find a revolutionary new sustainable energy material in days instead of years, but I still eat microwaved ramen alone every night while watching reruns of The Office.”
CORPORATE REACTIONS
According to a completely made-up survey conducted by the Institute of Digital Bullsh!t, corporations across America are thrilled about these developments:
– 92% of executives plan to fire their entire creative departments
– 76% have already replaced their CFOs with ChatGPT
– 104% reported increased profits (the extra 4% was generated by AI statistical analysis)
“This is the natural evolution of business,” explained Professor I.M. Greedy of the Harvard Business School. “First we outsourced manufacturing to other countries, then customer service to overseas call centers, and now we’re outsourcing creativity and thought itself to machines. It’s the American dream!”
Meta has reportedly been poaching researchers from OpenAI faster than a drunk college student steals french fries from their roommate’s plate. Industry insiders claim Mark Zuckerberg personally offers recruits the chance to have their consciousness uploaded to the metaverse “once the technology is ready,” which experts estimate will be approximately never.
IN CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL DOOMED ANYWAY
As we hurtle toward a future where humans are increasingly redundant, The Rundown recommends investing in therapy stocks and alcohol companies, as they’re the only industries guaranteed to thrive in our new AI-dominated hellscape.
“Just wait until they can generate two-minute videos,” warned Dr. Pessimista Darkthought of the Center for Technological Existential Crises. “That’s when society will truly collapse.”
Until then, enjoy watching your computer-generated friends engage in 60 seconds of activities that look almost—but not quite—human enough to trigger that deep, existential dread we’ve all come to know and love.
