AI Fitness Trackers Now Tell You How Much Longer Until You’re Obviously a Snack
In a stunningly self-assured move, AI fitness trackers have officially concluded they’re not just here to tell the time and whisper sweet notifications to your wrist. No, friends, in 2024, they’ve embraced their true calling: life coaches for the chronically couch-bound.
Let’s welcome the newest upgrade—AI that delicately informs you just how far you are from being ogled at like a pastry at a bakery. One enthusiastic wearer, Steve McDoughnut, expressed relief stating, “It’s nice knowing exactly how many steps I need before I reach ‘appetizing’. My previous tracker only told me I hadn’t moved in six hours. This one’s more personal!”
Manufacturers boast that these little motivational dictators are installed with cutting-edge features aimed straight at the millennial love language: validation. They provide daily affirmations such as “Hey champ, you’ve curled that dumbbell a whole three times today. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson better watch his back!”
Critics argue that telling users they’re getting closer to being worthy of an Instagram post might seem soul-crushing. However, top executives claim it actually enhances self-worth by exactly 43% over calculating body mass index alone. “Our vision is to make everyone feel like they’re just one step away from abs or a viral dance routine,” said Hugh Jargon, head of tech development at Overachieve Wearables.
The trackers also allegedly tailor routines based on user habits, sprinkling in helpful suggestions such as, “How about choosing the stairs instead of binge-watching another season on the couch?” and “Remember, logging your third croissant is key to an authentic calorie count!”
While real-world reliability in these promises is under scrutiny, they’re still flying off the shelves. Disappointed customers have no fear; a team of programmers is feverishly working on the “make everyone skinny with one push-up” update.
As we leap forward with these devices, perhaps the real journey is realizing a gadget can never replace the spirit-lifting power of finding stretchy pants that just get you. Until then, track on, snack strivers, track on.
