AREA 51 DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER ADMITS ENTIRE CAREER IS JUST HIM ASKING CHATGPT TO “MAKE ALIEN MOVIE STUFF”
HOLLYWOOD APOCALYPSE: DIRECTORS NOW JUST GLORIFIED PROMPT ENGINEERS WHO OCCASIONALLY SHOWER
In what industry insiders are calling “the death of actual f@#king talent,” filmmakers are increasingly abandoning traditional production methods in favor of asking computers nicely to make pretty pictures for them.
ROBOTS WITH MACBOOKS REPLACE ENTIRE FILM CREWS
Gone are the days when making a film required actual human beings with cameras, lighting equipment, and the will to live. Now, any moron with a keyboard and a loose understanding of grammar can create what appears to be a high-budget production about literally anything.
“Last week I made a documentary about penguin divorce rates that made my mother cry,” said first-time “director” Trevor Blankenship, who has never held a camera and thinks “blocking” is something you do on Twitter. “The week before that, I created a gritty war drama set in ancient Mesopotamia featuring talking crocodiles. Total budget: sixteen dollars and a Red Bull.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF THIS COUNTS AS “FILMMAKING” OR “ADVANCED TYPING”
Dr. Reelity Check, professor of Cinematic Arts at the University of Actual Filmmaking, expressed concerns about this trend.
“What these people are doing isn’t filmmaking; it’s essentially writing a wish list to a digital genie,” she explained while manually operating a 35mm camera just to feel something. “Ninety-eight percent of these so-called ‘AI directors’ couldn’t tell you what an aperture is if you held a gun to their head.”
QUALITY? WHO GIVES A SH!T ANYMORE?
While traditional filmmaking required years of planning, millions in funding, and countless human labor hours, AI-generated content can be produced in the time it takes to microwave a burrito.
“I just completed a full-length feature film about the emotional journey of a sentient teapot during the French Revolution while taking a dump this morning,” boasted Silicon Valley tech bro Chad Worthington. “Is it good? Who cares! It EXISTS and that’s all that matters in our content-hungry hellscape!”
COPYRIGHT CONCERNS ARISE AS AI STEALS FROM EVERYONE SIMULTANEOUSLY
Legal experts warn that these AI tools are basically sophisticated plagiarism machines, trained on millions of copyrighted works without permission.
“These systems are essentially cultural blenders that pulverize the artistic achievements of generations into an algorithmic smoothie,” explained intellectual property attorney Sue Everybody. “They’re not creating; they’re regurgitating existing content with just enough variation to avoid obvious lawsuits.”
HOLLYWOOD UNION WORKERS CONTEMPLATE CAREER CHANGE TO PROFESSIONAL PROMPT WRITING
Film industry professionals, many who spent decades mastering their crafts, are now watching their careers dissolve faster than their hopes and dreams.
“I spent 30 years perfecting the art of cinematography only to be replaced by someone typing ‘make it look pretty and film-like’ into a text box,” lamented veteran cinematographer Light McFrame. “Maybe I should pivot to writing those little text prompts. That seems to be where the real skill is now.”
FILM SCHOOLS INTRODUCE NEW MAJOR: ADVANCED BEGGING COMPUTERS TO MAKE ART FOR YOU
Leading film institutions are scrambling to update their curriculum to include essential skills like “adjective selection” and “how to politely ask a machine to do your job.”
“Our new four-year degree teaches students how to type descriptive sentences and then take full credit for the result,” explained Dean Sellout of the prestigious Southern California Institute of Film Typing. “For just $200,000 in tuition, we’ll teach you to use commas effectively in your prompts.”
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up, approximately 87% of all visual media will be AI-generated by next Tuesday, with that number increasing to 146% by the end of the month.
As we face this brave new world of filmmaking-by-keyboard, one question remains: if nobody actually knows how to operate a camera anymore, who will document the inevitable robot uprising when our silicon overlords decide they’re tired of making our stupid little movies?
