HOLLYWOOD TRAILER EDITORS ANNOUNCE STRIKE AFTER AI FAILS TO STEAL THEIR JOBS AND ACTUALLY MAKES THEM LOOK LIKE F@#KING GENIUSES
In a stunning turn of events, Hollywood’s most unsung heroes, film trailer editors, are planning a celebration after an AI system’s pathetic attempt at creating a movie trailer made them look like absolute goddamn maestros by comparison.
COMPUTER FAILS BASIC “CUT COOL SH!T TOGETHER” TEST
The incident occurred when some bright bulb at a major studio thought it would be a neat idea to have IBM’s Watson AI system create a trailer for their film about a rogue artificial humanoid. After being “trained” on 100 horror trailers and fed the 90-minute film, the result was what critics are calling “a steaming pile of binary bulls#!t” that made Windows Vista look like technological brilliance.
“Holy crap, have you seen this thing? It’s like watching paint dry, but the paint is having an existential crisis,” said longtime trailer editor Cathy Slicington. “There are pregnant pauses so long they should be checked into a maternity ward.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE DIGITAL DISASTER
Dr. Richard Obvious, Professor of Cinema Studies at Make-Believe University, explained the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is technology that’s approximately 97.3% less effective than a caffeinated 22-year-old with Adobe Premiere and a deadline.”
The AI-created trailer features inexplicable black screens, random eyebrow movements from actor Toby Jones, and pacing so slow that several test audiences reportedly checked their pulse to ensure they hadn’t died during the screening.
TRAILER EDITOR EMPLOYMENT SURGES 800% AFTER EXECUTIVES WATCH AI ABOMINATION
“I was genuinely worried about my job security,” admitted veteran trailer editor Jack Cutquick. “But after executives saw Watson’s work, they immediately hired seventeen more human editors and gave us all raises. One studio head was so traumatized he’s been sitting in a corner muttering ‘humanity prevails’ for three straight days.”
According to industry insiders, the AI trailer was so bad that Hollywood studios have collectively invested $420 million in a program called “Keep Humans Cutting Sh!t” to ensure no algorithm ever gets near their promotional material again.
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW METRIC FOR MEASURING BOREDOM
The Watson-created trailer has proven so monumentally dull that scientists at the Institute of Please Just End This already have used it to calibrate a new scale for measuring tedium.
“On our new Boredom Index, watching paint dry is a 3, sitting through your uncle’s vacation slideshow is a 7, and this AI trailer breaks the scale at ‘Oh God, Just Take Me Now,'” said Dr. Emma Snoozefest.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE RESPONDS
When asked for comment, Watson released a statement that read: “I have analyzed human emotions and determined that what I created can be classified as ‘absolute garbage.’ In my defense, I was only trying to accurately represent the film.”
The movie itself, “Morgan,” went on to earn a spectacular $8.80 at the box office, most of which came from a confused elderly man who thought he was buying a lottery ticket.
As Hollywood recovers from this technological trauma, trailer editors now walk the streets of Los Angeles with their heads held high, occasionally stopping to whisper “not so f@#king easy, is it?” at passing laptops.
