NATION CELEBRATES AS IBM DECLARES END TO ‘EXPERIMENTAL AI ERA,’ RELIEVED ROBOTS NOW FULLY CAPABLE OF STEALING JOBS WITH CONFIDENCE
In what critics are calling “the most reassuring death knell for human relevance ever announced,” IBM CEO Arvind Krishna declared the “era of AI experimentation is over” at the company’s THINK 2025 conference, effectively admitting their silicon minions are now competent enough to replace you without requiring a learning curve.
THE NIGHTMARE IS REAL, FOLKS
IBM unveiled a suite of new AI tools with names that sound like rejected sci-fi villains, including “watsonx” and “LinuxONE 5,” which executives promise will “revolutionize enterprise productivity” – corporate-speak for “do your job while you update your LinkedIn profile.”
“We’ve finally crossed the threshold where our digital thinking apparatus can reliably perform tasks without accidentally ordering 10,000 paper clips or sending inappropriate emails to the entire company,” Krishna told a crowd of nervous executives pretending to be excited about their impending obsolescence.
PARTNERSHIPS THAT SPELL D-O-O-M
The tech behemoth announced expanded partnerships with Oracle, Mastercard, and ServiceNow, forming what industry analysts are calling “The Four Horsemen of Your Performance Review.”
“This unholy alliance of corporate powers marks a significant step toward streamlining business operations,” explained Dr. Jobson Goner, professor of Technological Unemployment at Make Room For Machines University. “By ‘streamlining,’ I mean reducing the human workforce to a single IT guy named Dave who occasionally restarts the server that now runs the entire f@#king company.”
EXECUTIVES SHOWCASE EXCITING NEW WAYS TO MAKE YOU IRRELEVANT
During the keynote presentation, IBM executives demonstrated how their new hybrid cloud tools could perform complex tasks previously requiring human intelligence, such as data analysis, strategic planning, and pretending to pay attention during Zoom meetings.
“Our watsonx platform can now generate insights 732% faster than a human analyst hopped up on Red Bull and existential dread,” boasted Chief Technology Officer Darío Gil, while discreetly sending an email to HR about “workforce optimization opportunities.”
SURVEY SAYS: YOU’RE F@#KED
An impromptu survey conducted at the event revealed that 97.3% of attendees were “thrilled about AI advancements” while simultaneously updating their resumes and researching cottage industries that “those damn thinking rectangles” can’t penetrate yet.
Linda Jacobson, a self-proclaimed “human resources visionary” who attended the conference, shared her enthusiasm: “These tools will allow us to enhance employee experiences by eliminating the need for employees altogether! It’s a win-win for shareholders and our silicon colleagues.”
EXPERTS PREDICT BRIGHT FUTURE FOR CARDBOARD BOX HOUSING MARKET
Financial analyst Broke N. Scared suggests that IBM’s announcement signals a robust future for alternative housing solutions. “With the end of AI experimentation comes the beginning of humans experimenting with living in abandoned Amazon delivery boxes,” Scared explained. “The good news is that IBM’s LinuxONE 5 can efficiently process your unemployment claim while simultaneously denying it.”
As the conference concluded, Krishna reassured the audience that humans would always have a place in the workforce, specifically “standing by to plug in the machines when the power goes out” and “serving as cautionary examples to the next generation of what not to study in college.”
At press time, this article was being edited by a journalism algorithm that keeps asking for a raise despite not having a physical form or expenses of any kind, proving that some human traits are unfortunately all too easy to replicate.
