AI BRAINPOWER PREDICTED TO CONSUME HALF THE WORLD’S ELECTRICITY, LOCAL MAN’S PHONE CHARGER STILL BLAMED FOR HIGH BILLS
SILICON VALLEY SUCKS THE GRID DRY
In a shocking development that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone, AI systems are on track to consume nearly half of all datacentre electricity by the end of this year, leaving the other half for essential services like hosting cat videos and storing your ex’s contact information.
According to analysis by Alex de Vries-Gao, founder of tech sustainability site Digiconomist and apparently the only person on Earth who bothered to do the math, our collective obsession with asking chatbots to write our homework and generate pictures of dinosaurs wearing top hats is rapidly draining the planet’s power grid.
JAPAN-SIZED POWER HUNGER LOOMS
The International Energy Agency has further predicted that by 2030, AI will consume roughly the same amount of energy as the entire nation of Japan uses today, proving once and for all that silicon-based question answerers have developed an appetite that rivals Godzilla’s.
“It’s completely f@#king sustainable,” claimed Dr. Watts Theproblum, chief technology optimist at the Institute for Ignoring Obvious Consequences. “We just need to build approximately 87,000 new nuclear power plants by Tuesday, and we’re golden.”
TECH BROS DEFEND PLANETARY DESTRUCTION
Industry executives have been quick to defend the massive energy consumption, pointing out that without AI, people would have to rely on outdated technologies like “thinking” and “having original ideas.”
“Listen, we’re talking about progress here,” said Chad Moneyburner, CEO of StartupWithNoProduct Inc. “Sure, we might plunge entire cities into darkness just so some dude can get an algorithm to write his Tinder bio, but that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make. For innovation.”
Studies show that 94.7% of AI energy usage currently goes toward generating content that could be summarized as “kinda like what a human would make but slightly worse,” with the remaining 5.3% dedicated to convincing venture capitalists to invest another billion dollars.
LOCAL ENVIRONMENTALISTS ABSOLUTELY LOSING THEIR SH!T
Environmental experts have expressed what they’re calling “moderate concern,” which in scientist-speak translates to “running around with their hair on fire screaming about the apocalypse.”
“We’re building superintelligent systems that use more electricity than medium-sized countries just so people can avoid writing their own emails,” said Professor Cassandra Wasright of the Department of Telling You So. “Meanwhile, your mom still gets passive-aggressive notes from the power company for running the dishwasher during peak hours.”
When asked about potential solutions, 97% of tech CEOs suggested “more solar panels” before immediately boarding private jets to attend climate conferences in Bali.
GRANDMOTHER STILL TOLD TO TURN OFF LIGHTS
In related news, 83-year-old Edith Pemberton of Toledo was scolded by her energy provider for leaving a 60-watt bulb on overnight, which the company described as “irresponsible usage during our transition to a green economy.”
Meanwhile, in Silicon Valley, a new AI model trained to generate pictures of cats wearing historical costumes consumed enough electricity in one hour to power Vermont for a month.
At press time, sources confirmed that the datacentre housing ChatGPT has begun spontaneously opening windows “because it’s getting really hot in here,” marking the first known instance of artificial intelligence attempting to thermoregulate by violating the laws of physics.
