GOOGLE’S NEW AI EMAIL ASSISTANT PROMISES TO IGNORE IMPORTANT MESSAGES IN YOUR EXACT WRITING STYLE
In a groundbreaking advancement that nobody asked for, Google DeepMind is developing “next-generation email” technology capable of ghosting your boss and sending passive-aggressive replies with the exact same grammatical errors you would make.
FINALLY, A MACHINE THAT CAN APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR DIGITAL ABSENCE
Demis Hassabis, the visionary behind Google DeepMind who apparently hasn’t heard of the “mark as read” button, announced the revolutionary tool designed to “clear inboxes by making some of the easier decisions,” such as which wedding invitations to pretend you never received and which desperate pleas from your mother can be safely ignored until Christmas.
“We’ve trained our algorithm on over 50 million excuses for not responding to emails,” explained Dr. Procrastina Later, Google’s Chief Avoidance Officer. “Our AI can now generate a ‘Sorry for the delayed response’ message that contains exactly the right amount of fabricated busyness to seem plausible but not so much that people think you’re lying, which you absolutely are.”
THE DIGITAL ASSISTANT THAT KNOWS YOUR WRITING STYLE BETTER THAN YOUR THERAPIST
The new technology, unofficially named “GhostWriter,” analyzes your communication patterns to perfectly replicate your unique style of avoiding commitments and overusing exclamation points.
“Most users employ between 4-17 unnecessary exclamation points when pretending to be excited about a coworker’s baby shower,” noted Professor Emma L. Fatigue, digital communication expert at the Institute for Technological Surrender. “This AI will match that exact level of artificial enthusiasm while automatically declining calendar invites.”
REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY PROMISES TO MAKE INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION EVEN MORE SOULLESS
Internal testing shows the AI can replicate communication quirks with 97.3% accuracy, including your habit of starting emails with “Just circling back on this” when you’ve done absolutely nothing of the sort.
“The system is so advanced it can detect which of your contacts deserve a thoughtful response and which can receive a two-word reply composed entirely while on the toilet,” boasted VP of Development Chip Bandwidth.
WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING
Critics warn that automating personal communications might further erode genuine human interaction, but Google insists this is a feature, not a bug.
“We’ve reached a societal consensus that authentic communication is overrated,” said Dr. Ima Fraudster, Google’s Head of Dehumanization Research. “Our surveys show 89% of users would rather have an algorithm pretend to care about their friends’ problems than do it themselves.”
THE END OF EMAIL ANXIETY OR THE BEGINNING OF THE END?
For the estimated 78% of professionals who’d rather get a root canal than deal with their inbox, this tool promises sweet relief. The AI learns which emails you habitually ignore, which ones make you anxious, and which ones you open fifteen times without replying, then replicates this dysfunctional behavior without the accompanying guilt.
The technology is expected to roll out soon, after which Google anticipates a 400% increase in people staring directly at their phones while claiming they “never saw your message.”
“Soon, we’ll all be free from the crushing burden of human connection,” Hassabis reportedly said while his own AI assistant automatically replied “Sounds great!” to seventeen separate meeting requests. “And isn’t that what the internet was invented for in the first f@#king place?”
