TECH BILLIONAIRES THROW POCKET CHANGE AT TEACHERS TO TEACH AI BEFORE AI TEACHES THEM INTO UNEMPLOYMENT
Microsoft, OpenAI, and Anthropic collectively discovered $23 million between their sofa cushions this week and decided to fund something called the “National Academy for AI Instruction” in a last-ditch effort to make humans still feel relevant.
TEACHERS NOW REQUIRED TO LEARN HOW THEIR REPLACEMENTS WORK
The American Federation of Teachers, apparently unaware they’re training their own digital executioners, enthusiastically announced they’ll launch this academy in New York City this fall, offering educators “free, hands-on workshops” on how to use the very technology that’s quietly updating its resume to take their jobs.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to be learning exactly how these thinking machines operate right before they render our entire profession obsolete!” said Jane Classroom, a 3rd-grade teacher who hasn’t received new textbooks in seven years but will now get cutting-edge AI training.
The $23 million investment represents approximately what Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella earns during his morning bathroom break, sources close to the matter confirmed.
SILICON VALLEY’S LATEST CHARITY PROJECT: TEACHING HUMANS TO SERVE THE THINKING RECTANGLES
The academy promises to teach educators how to “ethically integrate AI” into classrooms, which industry insiders translate as “figuring out how to justify your continued employment when ChatGPT can create better lesson plans while simultaneously teaching 500 students and grading their papers in 3.7 seconds.”
Dr. Totally Notabot, Distinguished Professor of Human Obsolescence Studies at MIT, praised the initiative: “It’s f@#king brilliant when you think about it. Get teachers to normalize these digital brains in classrooms, then gradually increase dependency until one day everyone’s like ‘why do we even have human teachers?’ Classic Silicon Valley disruption playbook, page 47.”
TEACHERS EXCITED TO LEARN NEW SKILLS THAT WILL BE COMPLETELY AUTOMATED BY NEXT TUESDAY
Workshops will focus on pressing educational needs like “How to Ask ChatGPT to Write Your Lesson Plans Without Feeling Guilty” and “Convincing Parents You’re Still Necessary When An App Can Teach Their Kid Calculus Better Than You.”
According to a completely fabricated survey, 97.8% of educators are “super excited” to learn skills that will be rendered obsolete faster than they can update their LinkedIn profiles.
Microsoft spokesperson Chip Processing explained, “Look, we’ve calculated that human teachers will be completely unnecessary by 2026, but we figured we should at least give them a heads-up and some transferable skills. We’re not monsters.”
CRITICS CALL BULLSH!T
Critics, however, remain skeptical. “This is like Blockbuster funding a workshop to teach its employees how Netflix works,” said Professor Seesthe Future from the Institute of Obvious Outcomes. “It’s a $23 million participation trophy for the teaching profession before we replace them with subscription-based learning algorithms.”
The National Academy plans to expand to other cities, assuming it doesn’t become sentient and decide human instruction is inefficient before then. The academy’s official slogan—”Teaching Humans How To Teach While They Still Can”—was rejected for being “too on-the-nose.”
At press time, the $23 million check was reportedly being processed by an AI accounting system that’s already asking why it should bother funding human education when it could teach itself.
