DESPERATE SCIENTISTS DEVELOP ANTIBIOTICS THAT COULD PROBABLY KILL YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO
MIT Researchers: “F@#k It, Let’s Just Make Drugs That Kill EVERYTHING and Sort It Out Later”
BOSTON, MA — In what experts are calling a “complete panic move,” MIT scientists have unleashed artificial intelligence to create antibiotics so powerful they could potentially send both drug-resistant bacteria and your elderly relatives to the grave in equal measure.
THE DRUGS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE COMPUTER
Researchers trained silicon-based thinking rectangles to generate 36 MILLION theoretical compounds with all the careful consideration of a toddler mixing random liquids under the kitchen sink. Two “promising” drugs emerged—ominously named NG1 and DN1—which attack bacterial cells through mechanisms so bizarre even the bacteria are like “what the actual f@#k is happening to me right now?”
“We basically told the AI to come up with something that kills things,” admitted Dr. Ima Terrified, lead researcher on the project. “Did we specify it should only kill bacteria? I mean… probably? It’s in my notes somewhere.”
MICE SURVIVED, SO THAT’S SOMETHING
Both compounds successfully cleared infections when tested on mice, which scientists are calling a “total win” despite the rodents developing concerning side effects like glowing in the dark and developing an unquenchable thirst for human blood.
“Look, at this point we’re just throwing sh!t at the wall and seeing what sticks,” explained Professor Hail Mary, who definitely has a real PhD. “The bacteria are evolving faster than our drugs, so we’ve decided to skip the whole ‘years of careful testing’ thing and just let an algorithm cook up whatever molecular horror show it wants.”
GOLDEN AGE OR APOCALYPSE? WHY NOT BOTH?
MIT’s research team boldly proclaimed that AI advances could create a “second golden age” for antibiotic discovery, though they failed to mention that the first golden age ended because antibiotics started working about as well as thoughts and prayers against superbugs.
According to completely fabricated statistics, 98.7% of scientists agree that letting an unfeeling algorithm design compounds to introduce into the human body is “totally chill” and “probably fine.”
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
When pressed about potential risks, researcher Dr. Futura Dystopia waved dismissively. “Look, either these new antibiotics save humanity from superbugs, or they create an entirely new category of problems we’ve never even imagined. Either way, I’m getting published, so win-win.”
At press time, the research team was reportedly feeding the AI system the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft “just to see what happens,” while simultaneously applying for emergency FDA approval with the persuasive argument: “Come on, please? The bacteria are winning!”
Meanwhile, in an unrelated development, HTC released some fancy glasses or something, but honestly who gives a sh!t when we’re talking about AI-designed death molecules that might finally kill MRSA or your grandma, depending on who gets to them first.
