SKYNET’S UNEMPLOYED COUSIN NOW MAKING “NAUGHTY OR NICE” LIST OF GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS
The Trump administration has officially outsourced its regulatory hatred to a calculator with opinions, asking Silicon Valley’s newest digital sociopath to decide which federal rules should live or die before breakfast.
COMPUTER SAYS “LOL, NO” TO HALF OF AMERICA’S SAFEGUARDS
In what experts are calling “government by Magic 8-Ball,” the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE—yes, like the f@#king meme) has proudly unveiled its latest innovation in destroying decades of consumer protections: the “DOGE AI Deregulation Decision Tool.” This digital guillotine will scan through 200,000 government regulations and create what officials are lovingly calling a “delete list” of rules deemed unnecessary by a computer program that probably couldn’t distinguish between essential aircraft safety protocols and guidelines for proper office stapler usage.
“This is the most efficient way to dismantle government oversight since simply setting fire to federal buildings,” explained Chip Serverface, DOGE’s newly appointed Chief Regulation Terminator. “By January, we’ll have cut 50% of all regulations, including outdated nonsense like ‘don’t put lead in baby food’ and ‘maybe don’t dump chemicals in drinking water.'”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF ASKING SIRI’S ANGRY COUSIN TO WRITE POLICY IS A GOOD IDEA
Dr. Ima Concerned, professor of Obvious Consequences at Reality University, expressed mild reservations about the plan. “Delegating which public safeguards to eliminate to an algorithm created by people who probably think food inspection is communism seems problematic,” she noted while repeatedly banging her head against her desk.
The AI tool reportedly uses a sophisticated decision matrix that asks three questions: “Does this regulation cost a corporation money?”, “Would eliminating this make a good Fox News segment?”, and “Can we blame Democrats if this goes catastrophically wrong?”
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS ASSURE PUBLIC THAT NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG
“Trust us, this is foolproof,” insisted DOGE spokesperson Chad Deregulaton, while standing in front of a PowerPoint slide featuring a crude drawing of a robot stomping on a book labeled “Rules.” “Our AI is programmed to understand nuance just like humans do. For example, it knows the difference between ‘regulations preventing financial collapse’ and ‘regulations preventing me from becoming obscenely wealthy through questionable means.'”
According to internal documents, the AI has already flagged 97% of environmental protections, 89% of workplace safety rules, and oddly, all regulations requiring hand-washing in restaurants.
“We’re seeing unprecedented efficiency,” boasted DOGE Director Elon Bezos Jr. “In testing, our AI determined that airplane inspections are merely suggestions, pharmaceutical testing is just vibes, and food safety is basically astrology for sandwiches.”
At press time, sources confirmed the AI had accidentally added itself to the delete list after determining its own existence violated at least 14 laws regarding government procurement and decision-making authority. When asked for comment, the administration suggested this proved the system works perfectly.
