NATION’S POWER GRID GETTING VIOLENTLY SODOMIZED BY AI DATA CENTERS, AVERAGE CITIZENS TO RECEIVE BILL
SOMEWHERE NEAR A POWER PLANT – As tech giants frantically erect colossal AI data centers across the nation with all the restraint of teenage boys at a Victoria’s Secret runway show, experts warn that your electricity bill is about to get f@#ked harder than a contestant on a reality dating show.
DEAR GOD, THE ELECTRICITY
Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are currently engaged in what analysts call “a digital d!ck-measuring contest,” building data centers that consume enough electricity to power small nations just so their AI can tell you pasta recipes or generate pictures of cats wearing Renaissance clothing.
“These data centers suck up electricity like your ex-wife’s attorney sucks up your savings,” explained Energy Analyst Dr. Watts Happening. “A single ChatGPT response uses roughly the same power as making toast, except the toast is actually useful and doesn’t hallucinate ingredient lists.”
According to absolutely terrifying projections we’re not entirely making up, AI systems will consume 85% of America’s electricity by 2026, leaving the remaining 15% to be fought over by hospitals, schools, and people who enjoy not freezing to death in winter.
WHO THE HELL IS PAYING FOR THIS?
You are. Next question.
“It’s a brilliant business model,” explained Economics Professor Cash Grabbington. “Tech companies get to build power-guzzling monstrosities that make them billions while regular citizens cover the infrastructure costs through higher utility bills. It’s basically socialism, but only for corporations worth trillions.”
Local utility companies report needing to upgrade electrical grids that haven’t been modernized since people thought smoking during pregnancy was fine. Those costs will be passed directly to consumers because that’s how capitalism works when you’re not a billionaire.
LOCAL COMMUNITIES BEND OVER, ASSUME THE POSITION
Towns hosting these digital electricity vampires are discovering the downside of their technological sugar daddies. In Bumblerock, Oregon, residents saw their monthly electric bills triple after Microsoft built a data center to help its AI determine whether your vacation photos contain too many white people.
“The facility created twelve jobs and 8,000% higher utility costs,” said Mayor I.M. Screwed. “But hey, we got a plaque and Microsoft donated three computers to the high school, so that’s nice.”
ABSOLUTELY BULLS#!T SOLUTIONS PROPOSED
Tech companies have responded to criticism with initiatives so pathetically inadequate they make a Band-Aid look like major surgery.
“We’re committed to 100% renewable energy by the year 2987,” announced Google spokesperson Hope Forpositive-PR. “In the meantime, we’ve installed one (1) solar panel on our newest facility that powers approximately one-third of one desk lamp.”
Microsoft’s sustainability officer, Greenwash McFakecare, added: “We’ve hired a guy named Dave who rides a stationary bike connected to a generator for thirty minutes each day. Problem solved!”
THE FUTURE LOOKS INCREDIBLY STUPID
As society rushes headlong into an AI future where computer programs can write college essays but can’t figure out why your internet keeps dropping, experts predict power grids will become more strained than relations between exes at a child’s birthday party.
“Citizens will soon need to decide between charging their phones or running their refrigerators,” predicted Futurist Dr. Cassandra Truetell. “But don’t worry, an AI can generate a beautiful image of the food you can no longer refrigerate.”
Meanwhile, tech CEOs continue insisting that having their algorithms write slightly worse versions of human content is worth transforming the national power grid into the equivalent of a 1970s apartment building’s electrical system with seventeen space heaters running simultaneously.
At press time, several power plants spontaneously combusted while trying to generate enough electricity for Meta’s AI to accurately determine which of your aunt’s Facebook posts might contain conspiracy theories.
