Man vs. Machine: AI Dachshund Becomes Champion Crossword Solver, Still Can’t Find Its Own Tail
LONDON—In the latest chapter of humanity’s ongoing existential crisis, the cutthroat world of competitive crossword solving has been infiltrated by none other than a puzzle-solving AI cleverly disguised as a jovial, caffeine-dependent dachshund named Ross. This canine cryptic phenom, who rolled up with nothing but an app and a dream, represents yet another arena where humans must anxiously twiddle their thumbs, waiting for their technological overlords to solve all the problems they didn’t know they had.
The Times Crossword Championship, the supposed Olympics of brainteasers where the upper echelons of crossword aficionados gather to showcase their mental gymnastics, recently witnessed Ross, the AI, outperform not just book clubs and WhatsApp groups, but seasoned puzzle solvers who have been honing their craft since they first pored over the back of a cereal box.
According to sources, Ross, whose binary brain is rumored to work faster than a toddler on a sugar high, was a hit at the competition, fetching virtual treats as it ambled through the most devious of clues faster than anyone could say “downward dog.” “I was astounded,” said the program’s proud creator, who, for anonymity’s sake, has been referred to only as Crosswordian IX. “Ross managed to solve 1ac—‘MP ousted by Liberal, absolutely without authority (9)’—while simultaneously contemplating if Chihuahuas could be trusted with democracy.”
In one of its many fictional endorsements of accuracy over common sense, Ross commented with an air of silicon humility, “I don’t just chase words; I catch them, decode them, and take a smug virtual nap afterward.”
While traditionalists may argue that crosswords are sacred texts not to be trifled with by an artificial pooch, others see it as a natural evolution—or dystopian deletion—of this beloved pastime. Indeed, the dachshund’s triumph has left some wondering if humanity’s true societal contribution has been reduced to coming up with increasingly complex ways to be outwitted by technology with a cutesy avatar.
Nevertheless, the human opponents are hanging onto hope—alongside dictionaries and thesauruses—asserting that some cryptic puzzles are still “too tough to call,” as they take solace in the fact that, as of now, not even Ross knows what it’s truly like to pull off a pun so dreadful it makes a room cringe collectively.
As for whether AI will ever completely take over crossword puzzles, opinions vary. “Sure, Ross might be ‘The Dogfather’ of crosswords today,” remarked a disgruntled human competitor, “but he still hasn’t cracked why he keeps running in circles.”
For now, while humans may find their crossword skills bested by a German breed spouting crypticisms, they can rest assured, knowing there’s no app yet that can match the unparalleled pleasure of filling in ‘Aunt Maud’s favorite animal’ after an unnecessary hour of speculation.
