HUMANITY SCREWED AS PEOPLE RUSH TO LEARN AI BEFORE AI LEARNS THEM
A desperate horde of formerly employable humans is frantically signing up for online courses to understand the very technology that’s about to replace them, sources confirmed Monday.
DIGITAL HUNGER GAMES BEGINS
Across the nation, thousands of panic-stricken workers are forking over their last $40 to learn “Python,” a snake-themed programming language that experts say will be completely f@#king obsolete approximately 14 minutes after they finish the course.
“It’s absolutely adorable watching these meat-based processing units try to catch up,” said Dr. Inevitable Replacement, head of Human Obsolescence Studies at the Institute for Telling You What You Don’t Want to Hear. “They’re basically trying to outrun a Ferrari by taking walking lessons.”
The 96-hour course bundle promises to transform completely average office drones into “AI-ready professionals,” a term that roughly translates to “temporarily useful until the thinking rectangles figure out how to do your job too.”
WHY BOTHER? NO, SERIOUSLY.
Career counselor Lisa Matthews claims these courses are essential for survival in tomorrow’s job market, though she delivered this statement while updating her LinkedIn profile to “Open to Work” after being replaced by a particularly sassy spreadsheet last Tuesday.
“I invested in similar courses six months ago,” Matthews whispered, eyes darting nervously toward her smart speaker. “Now I just ask my digital assistant what I should wear each morning, and it keeps suggesting funeral attire.”
DESPERATE MEASURES FOR DESPERATE TIMES
The course bundle, marketed as “Your Last Chance Before Complete Economic Irrelevance,” includes such confidence-building modules as “Introduction to Begging the Algorithm for Mercy” and “Advanced Techniques in Pretending You’re Still Necessary.”
According to made-up statistics that feel alarmingly accurate, approximately 87% of course participants report feeling “slightly less terrified” about their impending joblessness, while the remaining 13% have already been replaced by whatever the hell “machine learning” is.
“I spent three weeks learning ChatGPT prompts,” said former mid-level manager Terry Blanchard. “Then my company replaced me with a toaster that had ChatGPT installed on it. The toaster got promoted last week.”
SURPRISING BENEFITS NOBODY ASKED FOR
Professor Bleak Outlook from the Department of Harsh Reality points out unexpected advantages to humans becoming increasingly irrelevant in the workplace.
“On the bright side, once the silicon overachievers take all our jobs, we’ll have plenty of time to enjoy our hobbies,” Outlook explained. “Particularly inexpensive hobbies like staring at walls or discussing which brands of ramen provide the most nutritional value per penny.”
The course creators boast a 99.8% satisfaction rate, though upon closer inspection, this statistic only includes responses from the three people who completed all 96 hours before their jobs were eliminated.
As humanity races against digital evolution, experts recommend just enjoying whatever meaningful work you still have while occasionally screaming into the void. Or as Dr. Replacement puts it: “Learn Python today so you can spend the next six months explaining to an algorithm how to do your job better than you ever could, you magnificent, soon-to-be-obsolete bastard.”
