COMPUTERS THAT CAN SPEAK ENGLISH WOULD ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISH NAZI SECRET CODES, SAYS NERD WHO CLEARLY WANTS TO IMPRESS US
An Oxford professor with apparently nothing better to do has declared that the infamous Enigma code, which took literal geniuses years to crack during WWII, would be absolutely obliterated by today’s chatty digital assistants in approximately the time it takes to microwave a burrito.
TURNS OUT ALAN TURING WAS JUST A BETA VERSION
Professor Malcolm Witherspoon, whose tweed jacket collection is reportedly worth more than your car, stated with unfounded confidence that modern AI would “solve Enigma faster than college students solve their dating problems with therapy.”
“The Nazis thought they were so clever with their little spinning wheels and plugs,” said Witherspoon, gesturing wildly with his pipe. “But today’s neural networks would look at Enigma and say ‘that’s cute’ before destroying it during their morning coffee break.”
WORLD WAR II WOULD’VE LASTED APPROXIMATELY 17 MINUTES IF WE HAD CHATGPT
According to completely made-up statistics from the Institute of Retrospective Technology Assessment, today’s language models could crack 98.7% of historical military codes while simultaneously writing your teenager’s English essay and composing mediocre poetry about your cat.
Dr. Ima Showoff, Chief Historical Technology Comparatist at Silicon Valley Technical University, explains: “It’s like comparing a horse-drawn carriage to a f@#king rocket ship. The mathematical processing power in your average smart toaster could run circles around the entire Bletchley Park operation.”
HISTORIANS ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS THAT THEIR FAVORITE WAR JUST GOT LESS IMPRESSIVE
Historians worldwide are reportedly distressed that the dramatic codebreaking narrative they’ve been teaching for decades has been reduced to “something a smartphone could do between TikTok videos.”
“Next you’ll tell me the moon landing could have been done with a Raspberry Pi and some duct tape,” fumed Dr. Herbert Pastlover, who has devoted 47 years to studying WWII cryptography and is NOT taking this news well.
THE ENIGMA OF WHY WE SHOULD CARE
When asked why this comparison matters at all, Professor Witherspoon admitted, “It doesn’t really, but my research grant was running out, and comparing old technology to new technology is basically academic clickbait.”
In a related study, 93% of technological comparisons across time periods were found to be “no sh!t” revelations that primarily serve to make current technology seem more impressive than it actually is.
According to Dr. Obvi Ouspoint, author of “Things Get Better Over Time: A Scholar’s Groundbreaking Discovery,” this revelation ranks just below “Cars Faster Than Horses” and just above “Modern Medicine Better Than Leeches” on the scale of unnecessary historical technology comparisons.
At press time, the Pentagon was reportedly attempting to hire Alan Turing’s ghost to help protect military secrets from being casually decoded by teenagers with access to cloud computing and energy drinks.
