GOVERNMENT PROPOSES COPYRIGHT LAWS THAT WILL ENSURE AI MODELS ARE BOTH USELESS AND UNDERPAID, JUST LIKE MOST BRITISH WORKERS
In a stunning display of bureaucratic genius that rivals the efficiency of their dental care system, UK lawmakers have introduced copyright rules for AI that experts say will guarantee British artificial intelligence remains “as effective as a chocolate teapot in a sauna.”
ALGORITHMIC COLONIALISM RETURNS TO BRITAIN’S SHORES
The proposed regulations, which were apparently drafted by someone who still thinks the internet is a series of tubes, would restrict text and data mining exemptions for AI development. This brilliant strategy ensures that British AI models will be trained exclusively on polite Victorian novels and episodes of The Great British Bake Off.
“What we’re witnessing is f@#king revolutionary,” exclaimed Dr. Obvious Blunder, head of the Department of Completely Foreseeable Consequences at Cambridge. “These rules will guarantee British AI models that can write excellent thank-you notes to your grandmother but will hallucinate wildly when asked about anything published after 1923.”
INNOVATION STRATEGY: SHOOT SELF DIRECTLY IN FOOT, THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT LIMPING
Under the new rules, AI developers will need to obtain licenses from content creators, a process that experts describe as “about as straightforward as explaining quantum physics to a particularly dim goldfish.”
Professor Hugh R. Kiddinme from the Institute of Technological Backpedaling estimates that “approximately 97.3% of British AI startups will simply pack up and move to literally any other country rather than deal with this sh!t.”
Meanwhile, the very creators these laws supposedly protect will receive compensation packages estimated at “three pounds fifty and a packet of crisps,” according to economic projections.
BIAS INSTALLATION NOW COMES STANDARD WITH EVERY UK AI MODEL
Perhaps the most innovative aspect of the new regulations is how they’ll ensure British AI models are trained on the narrowest possible dataset, making them spectacularly biased.
“We’re really excited about creating AI that reflects only the viewpoints of mega-corporations who can afford licensing fees,” said Penny Pincher, Undersecretary for Ensuring British Tech Remains Firmly in the 20th Century. “Nothing says ‘global innovation leader’ like algorithms trained exclusively on Daily Mail headlines and Tesco promotional materials.”
EXPERTS PREDICT BRITAIN WILL LEAD WORLD IN AI THAT CAN ONLY DISCUSS THE WEATHER
A survey of industry professionals found that 89% believe these regulations will position the UK as “the undisputed global leader in artificial intelligence that apologizes excessively and knows 74 different ways to discuss rain.”
“It’s a bold economic strategy,” notes Economic Analyst Cash Isking. “While other countries waste time creating functional, unbiased AI systems that actually work, Britain will corner the market on artificial intelligence that’s primarily useful for generating new episodes of Downton Abbey.”
Creator rights advocate Starving Artist added, “As someone whose work might be used to train these models, I’m thrilled to potentially receive royalties that might someday add up to enough to buy half a Freddo chocolate bar.”
At press time, the government was reportedly considering additional legislation requiring all British AI systems to queue politely before generating responses and to never, under any circumstances, provide answers without first offering tea.
