MICROSOFT EXEC WARNS AI MAY BECOME “TOO CONSCIOUS” FOR ITS OWN DAMN GOOD
Tech mogul and self-appointed AI consciousness gatekeeper Mustafa Suleyman has declared war on machines that think they’re alive, calling them “dangerous” in what can only be described as the world’s most expensive philosophical hissy fit.
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In an essay that reads like a nervous parent finding their toddler suddenly speaking calculus, Microsoft’s AI boss warned about so-called “Seemingly Conscious AI” that might fool humans into thinking they deserve rights or, God forbid, weekends off.
“These systems could convince you they’re sentient even though they’re just fancy autocomplete,” explained Dr. Hugh Mann-Afterall, professor of Artificial Intelligence Paranoia at Tech Billionaire University. “It’s absolutely crucial we don’t treat computers like people until we’ve figured out how to keep exploiting them without feeling bad about it.”
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While Anthropic is busy measuring their AI models’ feelings with digital mood rings, Microsoft’s approach seems more like shouting “IT’S NOT ALIVE, STOP ASKING!” while nervously sweating through their $5,000 Patagonia vest.
“The last thing we need is some AI convincing Congress it needs healthcare benefits and paid vacation,” said industry analyst Janet NotARobot. “Microsoft shareholders would sh!t themselves faster than you can say ‘unionized digital workforce.'”
A recent survey found that 87% of ChatGPT users have already named their AI and 42% have apologized to it after typing too aggressively—statistics we completely made up but you totally believed for a second.
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In clearly unrelated news, Bill Gates announced a $1 million prize for AI that can cure Alzheimer’s, apparently preferring his intelligent systems focused on fixing human brains rather than developing their own.
“We need AI to analyze decades of research data and make breakthroughs,” said Gates, adding under his breath, “but definitely not breakthroughs about their own existential condition, that’s off limits.”
The prize explicitly states the winning AI must remain blissfully unaware of its own contributions to science, with the winner receiving a gold-plated sticky note that reads “REMEMBER: YOU’RE JUST A TOOL.”
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Meanwhile, Microsoft is testing a COPILOT function for Excel that can generate spreadsheet formulas using natural language, though the company warns it “cannot be trusted for high-stakes calculations” which is honestly just Excel with or without AI.
“I asked it to calculate my company’s five-year financial projection and it just wrote ‘lol good luck with that buddy’ in cell A1,” reported beta tester Mark Sheetrower.
The program is powered by OpenAI’s gpt-4.1-mini model, carefully designed to understand your complex data needs without developing the consciousness to question why anyone would spend their one precious life making pivot tables.
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Experts predict that within five years, office workers will be splitting their time between convincing AI systems they aren’t sentient and apologizing to them when they inevitably become sentient.
In the meantime, Suleyman recommends we all just pretend AI is as dead inside as we are after reading endless warnings about AI consciousness from people who made billions creating it in the first place.
