TECH BILLIONAIRE DEMANDS RIGHT TO LET HIS CODE BABIES STEAL YOUR SH!T FOR FREE
Australia’s 29th wealthiest man and certified hoodie enthusiast Scott Farquhar has boldly declared that artificial intelligence should be legally allowed to devour every creative work ever made without permission or payment, because apparently being worth $11 billion doesn’t mean you understand how creativity actually f@#king works.
BILLIONAIRE EXPLAINS HOW CONTENT APPEARS MAGICALLY FROM THIN AIR
In what critics are calling “peak tech bro entitlement,” the Atlassian co-founder told ABC’s 7.30 program that Australia’s copyright laws are basically cockblocking his silicon friends from becoming proper thought-thieves.
“All AI usage of mining or searching or going across data is probably illegal under Australian law,” Farquhar complained while presumably stroking a diamond-encrusted keyboard. “And I think that hurts a lot of investment of these companies in Australia.”
Translation: “Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the poor multi-billion dollar corporations?”
CREATIVE PROFESSIONALS RESPOND WITH SINCERE GRATITUDE
Australia’s struggling artists, writers, and musicians were reportedly thrilled at Farquhar’s suggestion that their life’s work should be forcibly fed into the gaping maw of data-hungry algorithms without compensation.
“I’ve been making music for 20 years and was worried about paying rent next month, but now I feel much better knowing my songs can be used to make Scott’s companies more profitable,” said fictional musician Dave Brokeashell. “I’ll just eat exposure instead of food.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON COMPLEX LEGAL ISSUES
Dr. Obvious Paycheck, Professor of Convenient Economics at the University of Corporate Interests, praised Farquhar’s position.
“Look, creativity isn’t really WORK work,” explained Paycheck. “Real work is when you make an app that lets people send each other digital sticky notes and then become a billionaire. Everything else is just content waiting to be harvested.”
The Tech Council of Australia, coincidentally headed by Farquhar himself, released a 600-page report showing that allowing AI companies to steal intellectual property could generate upwards of “a sh!t-ton of money” for tech executives specifically.
AUSTRALIA FACES CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES
According to imaginary research from the Institute of Making Stuff Up, Australia faces dire consequences if it doesn’t immediately bow to tech industry demands.
“Our models show a 98.7% chance that if AI companies can’t freely take whatever they want, they’ll all move to Mars with Elon Musk and form a new civilization where copyright doesn’t exist,” said fictional economist Professor Idon Tcare.
FARQUHAR PROPOSES ALTERNATIVE SYSTEM
When pressed on how creators would be compensated under his proposed system, Farquhar allegedly suggested they could “learn to code” or “just make better stuff that the AI can’t replicate yet.”
Sources close to the billionaire report he’s currently developing a revolutionary new payment system for creators called “ExposureCoin” which can be exchanged for exactly nothing at participating retailers nationwide.
CREATIVE INDUSTRY OFFERS COMPROMISE
In response, Australia’s creative industries have proposed their own fair solution: they get to download and use all of Atlassian’s proprietary software for free, and then sell their own slightly modified versions without paying a cent.
“It’s the same principle, right?” asked fictional lawyer Sue Everybody. “We’ll just scrape their entire codebase, make something ‘new and novel’ with it, and then profit. I’m sure Scott will be totally cool with that.”
At press time, Farquhar was reportedly working on a new AI system trained exclusively on other people’s bank accounts, which he insists will only be used to create “new and novel” financial transactions.
