HUMANITY DOOMED AS AI COMPANIES FIGHT OVER CHROME LIKE VULTURES BATTLING FOR A HALF-EATEN SANDWICH
In what experts are calling “the most terrifying tech news since Mark Zuckerberg tried smiling,” OpenAI, Perplexity, and Yahoo (yes, THAT Yahoo) are reportedly planning to fight to the death for ownership of Google Chrome if antitrust regulators force Google to sell it off.
SILICON VALLEY DEATH MATCH
The potential sale of Chrome has tech executives salivating like hungry dogs at a butcher shop, with OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly spotted practicing his “I’m not planning world domination” face in the mirror for upcoming congressional hearings.
“This is basically like watching three children fight over who gets to control the world’s information highways,” explained Dr. Paige Loader, head of Catastrophic Tech Decisions at MIT. “Except these children have billions of dollars and questionable ethical frameworks.”
Yahoo, meanwhile, has somehow emerged from whatever digital nursing home it’s been residing in to express interest in Chrome, a move analysts describe as “like your grandpa suddenly announcing he wants to compete in the X Games.”
USERS TREATED AS VALUABLE DATA LIVESTOCK
Chrome, with its modest 65% browser market share, represents the digital gateway for approximately 4.2 billion human beings who apparently don’t give a sh!t about their privacy.
“Whoever owns Chrome essentially owns the world’s largest voluntary surveillance operation,” said Professor Hugh R. Datamined, author of “So You’ve Surrendered Your Digital Soul: Now What?”
Industry insiders claim the browser collects so much user data that Google engineers can predict when you’ll need to use the bathroom with 94.7% accuracy.
THE END OF INCOGNITO MODE AS WE KNOW IT
Sources close to all three potential buyers confirm their first action would be to “enhance” Chrome’s Incognito Mode, which currently provides the same level of privacy as shouting your secrets in a crowded subway station.
“We plan to rename it ‘We’re Still Absolutely Watching You Mode,'” confirmed Perplexity spokesperson Candice B. Reel. “But we’ll use a slightly darker theme so users feel safe.”
OpenAI has reportedly already drafted plans to replace Chrome’s dinosaur game with a psychological assessment tool that evaluates your mental state based on how aggressively you make the dinosaur jump.
YAHOO’S MYSTERIOUS PLAN
Yahoo’s bid has left experts baffled, with most assuming they accidentally submitted an offer while trying to figure out how to update their long-abandoned Yahoo Mail account.
“We’re relevant! We still exist!” screamed Yahoo CEO Jim Lanzone from atop a pile of AOL installation CDs. “This is definitely not a desperate plea for attention!”
When pressed for details on Yahoo’s browser strategy, Lanzone reportedly muttered something about “bringing back the satisfying sound of dial-up internet” before his publicist whisked him away.
EXPERTS PREDICT DIGITAL HELLSCAPE
“Look, it doesn’t f@#king matter who buys Chrome,” explained tech analyst Sarah Bytecode. “They’ll all do the same thing: track everything you do online, sell that data to advertisers, and occasionally pretend to care about your privacy by adding a button that does absolutely nothing.”
A recent survey found that 87% of Chrome users wouldn’t switch browsers even if Chrome actively insulted their mother every time they opened a new tab.
At press time, sources confirmed that Microsoft executives were huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth while whispering “people will use Edge someday” to themselves over and over again.
