AI COMPANIES FORCED TO CONFESS CRIMES AGAINST CONTENT CREATORS, EXECUTIVES REPORTEDLY “SH!TTING THEMSELVES”
In a shocking turn of events that has the tech world clutching their collective pearls, British lawmakers are demanding that silicon-based thinking rectangles come clean about their dirty little content-stealing habits.
ALGORITHM AMERICANS CAUGHT RED-HANDED
The House of Lords, a governing body comprised entirely of people who look like they were born wearing monocles, has introduced a new amendment forcing AI companies to admit when they’ve been gobbling up copyrighted content like your uncle at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
“These digital parasites have been feasting on creative works without so much as a ‘thank you’ note,” said self-appointed AI ethics expert Dr. Sue Creators, who definitely isn’t just three artists in a trenchcoat. “It’s like walking into the Louvre, photographing everything, then opening your own museum called ‘I Made This Sh!t.'”
THE PARLIAMENTARY PINGPONG MATCH CONTINUES
After MPs rejected an earlier version of the amendment Wednesday on “financial privilege grounds,” which is fancy British speak for “won’t somebody please think of the tech billionaires,” Lord Beeban Kidron has returned with a fresh amendment that essentially says the same d@mn thing but with fancier words.
TECH BROS THROW DIGITAL TANTRUM
Tech industry representatives are reportedly “absolutely losing their f@#king minds” over the prospect of having to disclose which books, articles, and artistic works they’ve been shoving into their data-hungry maws.
“This is an outrageous attack on innovation,” whined Chad Disruption, CEO of definitely-not-evil AI startup ThoughtHarvester. “If we have to actually PAY creators for their work, our profit margins might drop from ‘obscene’ to merely ‘excessive’!”
A staggering 97.8% of AI companies currently use copyrighted materials without permission, according to a study we just made up but feels true.
ARTISTS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC
Content creators, meanwhile, are celebrating with cautious optimism, popping champagne corks while simultaneously updating their résumés for inevitable jobs at fast food establishments.
“Maybe I can finally get paid for my life’s work instead of watching a machine regurgitate it for free,” said novelist Emma Wordsmith, who has written 12 books that an AI can now replicate in approximately 4.3 seconds.
At press time, AI companies were reportedly developing new technologies to automatically generate excuses for why they shouldn’t have to follow copyright laws, with early prototypes already producing 10,000 bullsh!t justifications per minute. Holy cr@p, they’re getting efficient at being terrible!
