FEDERAL JUDGE RULES AI COMPANIES CAN LEGALLY DEVOUR BOOKS JUST LIKE COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO NEVER PAY FOR THEM
In what legal experts are calling a “spectacular victory for tech companies who couldn’t be bothered to pay for sh!t,” a federal judge has ruled that Anthropic’s AI can legally gorge itself on millions of books as long as they bought at least one copy first, just like your cheapskate college roommate who made photocopies of your textbooks.
ANTHROPIC EXECUTIVES CELEBRATE BY PHOTOCOPYING THEIR BUTTS AT THE COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY
The landmark ruling gives AI companies the green light to train their algorithms on any written material they’ve paid for once, essentially saying that Claude’s reading habit is “spectacularly transformative” – legal jargon for “we don’t understand what the f@#k is happening but it sounds impressive enough to allow.”
“This is a tremendous day for the advancement of technology and a catastrophic day for authors who foolishly thought their work had value,” said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei while frantically deleting Pirate Bay from his browser history.
The judge compared Claude to an “aspiring writer learning from established authors” rather than copying them, apparently unaware that aspiring writers don’t typically consume 7 million books in an afternoon and then regurgitate paragraphs on command.
PIRATES OF THE SILICON VALLEY
However, the victory comes with a slight catch – the 7 million pirated books Anthropic downloaded might cost them up to $150,000 per title in damages. Quick math puts that potential bill at approximately $1.05 trillion, or roughly the GDP of Australia.
“We’re confident our legal team can handle this minor setback,” said an Anthropic spokesperson while frantically updating their résumé. “Sure, we might have downloaded the entire Library of Congress from sketchy Russian websites, but who among us hasn’t downloaded a few million books illegally?”
Dr. Ivana Copyright, a legal expert we completely made up for this article, explained the ruling’s significance: “This sets a fascinating precedent where tech companies can claim ‘fair use’ for literally anything as long as they use the word ‘transformative’ enough times. It’s like watching a magician pull increasingly ridiculous things out of a hat while the audience applauds.”
OPENAI DEVELOPING “WORKSPACE” TO COMPETE WITH MICROSOFT, BECAUSE BACKSTABBING YOUR BIGGEST INVESTOR IS JUST GOOD BUSINESS
Meanwhile, in other AI news, OpenAI is reportedly building productivity tools to directly compete with Microsoft Office, showcasing Silicon Valley’s time-honored tradition of biting the hand that feeds you billions of dollars.
The company’s new collaborative tools will allow multiple users to simultaneously work on documents, chat, and passive-aggressively assign blame when projects fail – all while Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella watches his $13 billion investment turn into a competitor.
“It’s a brilliant strategy,” said venture capital analyst Preston Moneybags. “First, take billions from Microsoft. Then, use that money to build products that compete directly with Microsoft. Finally, act surprised when Microsoft executives start breathing heavily and crushing stress balls during board meetings.”
FUTURE FEATURE ROADMAP INCLUDES BACKSTABBING APP
OpenAI’s productivity suite reportedly includes features like real-time document collaboration, multi-user chat, and an innovative “How to Betray Your Strategic Partner” template that comes pre-installed.
When reached for comment, Sam Altman responded vaguely: “Microsoft is an incredible partner. We love Microsoft. Now excuse me while I build a product designed specifically to obliterate their core business model.”
According to an industry insider who spoke on condition of anonymity, “This is like watching your adult son take your credit card to buy groceries, then use those groceries to open a restaurant across the street from yours.”
BILLIONAIRE REID HOFFMAN INVESTS IN BRAIN ULTRASOUND HELMET, BECAUSE WHY STOP AT CONTROLLING LINKEDIN PROFILES?
In other news that absolutely nobody asked for, LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman is funding Sanmai Technologies, a startup developing AI-guided ultrasound helmets to zap your brain and fix your depression.
For just $500, consumers will soon be able to purchase what essentially amounts to a glorified kitchen colander that shoots sound waves into your skull while an AI coach whispers sweet nothings about “increased cognitive function.”
“It’s much less risky than approaches like Neuralink,” said Hoffman, setting an impressively low bar by comparing his investment to a company that literally drills holes in people’s skulls.
ULTRASOUND HELMET PROMISES TO CURE ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND THAT WEIRD FEELING WHEN SOMEONE SAYS “YOU TOO” AFTER A WAITER SAYS “ENJOY YOUR MEAL”
Clinical trials are currently underway in Sunnyvale, where test subjects report feeling “mysteriously compelled to update their LinkedIn profiles” and “experiencing sudden urges to endorse people they barely know for skills they don’t have.”
Dr. Brainy McThinkface, Sanmai’s lead researcher, explained that the device works by “focusing ultrasound waves on specific brain regions, which is totally not as terrifying as it sounds.”
The company promises that users will experience “enhanced cognitive function,” which apparently means being able to tolerate LinkedIn’s user interface without screaming.
In a spectacular coincidence, 97.3% of test subjects report suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to invest in AI startups and accept connection requests from people they met once at a conference three years ago.
JUDGES RULE AI TRAINING “FAIR USE” AS LONG AS COMPANIES PROMISE TO FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT STEALING CONTENT LATER
