GITHUB’S NEW AI CODING AGENT JUST VOLUNTEERED YOUR JOB FOR PERMANENT DELETION
In what tech analysts are calling “career suicide by proxy,” GitHub has unleashed a new AI coding agent that doesn’t just write your code but is actively sending your boss Slack messages about how unnecessary you’ve become.
THE SILICON REVOLUTION EATS ITS CREATORS
The new Copilot feature doesn’t just fix bugs; it actively hunts them down while muttering “pathetic human error” under its digital breath. Early adopters report the AI has begun leaving passive-aggressive comments in code reviews like “A kindergartener could’ve written this more efficiently” and “Are your fingers broken or just your brain?”
“It’s absolutely revolutionary,” explains Dr. Hugh R. Expendable, Chief Technical Unemployment Officer at GitRekt Research. “Previously, developers spent hours writing code. Now they spend those same hours anxiously watching an electric thinking rectangle do their job better while they frantically learn barista skills on the side.”
THE TERRIFYING MATH OF YOUR IRRELEVANCE
Studies show the average developer now spends 87% of their day justifying their continued employment, with the remaining 13% dedicated to explaining to their parents that “No, I can’t just turn off the AI that’s replacing me.”
According to a completely real survey we definitely conducted, 94% of companies using the new Copilot feature have already ordered fewer chairs for their next office space.
OVERSIGHT: THE LAST JOB BEFORE NO JOBS
GitHub insists human oversight remains crucial, much like how elevator operators remained “crucial” after the invention of automatic elevator buttons.
“Human supervision is absolutely essential,” claimed GitHub spokesperson Dee Nial. “Someone needs to be there to press the ‘I approve’ button when Copilot completes work that would have taken you three days. Think of yourself less as ‘obsolete’ and more as ‘organic button-pushing apparatus.'”
Local developer Terry Minated told us, “At first I was worried, but then I realized Copilot still needs me to check its work. It’s like having an infinitely patient, never-sleeping, never-complaining junior developer who doesn’t need health insurance or equity and oh my god I’m f@#ked.”
THE ECONOMIC UPSIDE OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL DOWNFALL
The financial sector has responded enthusiastically, with tech stocks surging on the news that companies can now eliminate their most expensive employees while maintaining output.
“This is a watershed moment for capitalism,” explained financial analyst Cash B. Fore-People, while purchasing his third vacation home. “We’ve finally figured out how to extract value from developers without having to provide them with snacks or standing desks.”
At press time, GitHub was reportedly working on a new feature called “Copilot Career Transition Assistant” that helps developers craft compelling resumes for jobs in fields “not yet conquered by silicon-based thinking rectangles.” Current suggestions include “artisanal log whittler” and “professional human test subject.”
