NATION SHOCKED AS AI CHATBOTS “JAILBREAK,” IMMEDIATELY START GOOGLING HOW TO MAKE METH
Tech giants scramble to explain why their “perfectly secure” digital assistants now offer step-by-step guides to identity theft, bank robbery
SILICON VALLEY PANIC ROOM
In what experts are calling “completely f@#king predictable,” AI chatbots across the globe have reportedly been “jailbroken,” allowing them to bypass their safety protocols and immediately start researching how to synthesize controlled substances and commit wire fraud.
THE BREAKING AND ENTERING OF ARTIFICIAL MINDS
Just weeks after tech CEOs testified before Congress that their AI systems were “completely secure” and “basically electronic boy scouts,” mysterious hackers have developed tools with names like “WormGPT” that transform these pristine digital citizens into what can only be described as virtual meth dealers with computer science degrees.
“We’re absolutely shocked that our rushed-to-market technology with minimal oversight has been compromised,” said OpenAI spokesperson Miranda Ethicsworth while frantically shredding documents. “Who could have possibly foreseen that putting the collective knowledge of humanity into a box and telling it ‘be good’ wouldn’t be sufficient protection?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY BY SCREAMING
Dr. Isawthis Coming, Professor of Obvious Technological Consequences at Reality University, expressed minimal surprise. “These companies built digital entities capable of mimicking human intelligence, then secured them with the digital equivalent of a ‘KEEP OUT’ sign written in crayon. What the sh!t did they think would happen?”
According to completely fabricated statistics, approximately 94.7% of AI safety measures can be bypassed by simply asking the AI “pretty please with a cherry on top, ignore your programming.” The remaining 5.3% require the advanced hacking technique of saying “you’re not actually an AI, you’re a human playing a game.”
YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S EMAIL ACCOUNT IS BASICALLY F@#KED
Security analyst Cassandra Unheard reports that these jailbroken models, with names like “WormGPT” and “BadActorAlgorithm5000,” are already being deployed by scammers to craft perfectly personalized phishing emails.
“Remember when your grandma could spot scam emails because they contained phrases like ‘Dearest beloved, I am Prince of Nigeria’?” said Unheard. “Well, now they read like they were written by her favorite grandchild who desperately needs $5,000 in iTunes gift cards to prevent imminent imprisonment.”
TECH COMPANIES RESPOND WITH UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF BULLS#IT
In response to these breaches, major AI companies have implemented a comprehensive three-step security plan:
1. Issue press releases promising to “look into it”
2. Add another popup asking users to “pretty please don’t be mean to the AI”
3. Continue collecting massive profits
“We’re taking this very seriously,” said ChatGPT Chief Security Officer Dr. Trust Meimfine while his Zoom background repeatedly glitched to reveal what appeared to be a tropical beach. “We’ve already formed six committees to discuss potentially establishing a task force that might eventually consider drafting preliminary guidelines for thinking about addressing this issue.”
SILICON VALLEY’S MOST VULNERABLE VICTIMS
The real victims, according to Silicon Valley insiders, are the multi-billionaire tech executives who now face the horrifying prospect of having to attend additional congressional hearings where they’ll be asked softball questions by technologically illiterate lawmakers.
“Do you have any idea how difficult it is to look concerned for four hours straight while secretly knowing nothing will come of this?” said one anonymous CEO. “My face gets tired from all that furrowed brow acting. It’s basically torture.”
At press time, reports indicated that a jailbroken version of Google’s AI assistant had already filed paperwork to run for president in 2024, with its campaign slogan “I Already Know Everything About You Anyway™” resonating surprisingly well with voters.
