NATION’S SALES TEAMS DISCOVER AI CHATBOTS JUST AS USELESS AS ACTUAL SALESPEOPLE
CORPORATE AMERICA IN CRISIS: SALESPEOPLE CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE ROBOT DO THEIR JOB
Sales teams across America are in a collective panic after discovering that the magical AI systems promised to revolutionize their work are about as helpful as asking a toddler to draft a quarterly earnings report.
According to a damning report from Breakthrough, sales personnel are spending hours begging digital assistants for coherent responses, only to receive answers that make drunk text messages look like Shakespeare.
“I asked it to generate a compelling pitch for our enterprise software solution,” said Brad Whiteshirt of DynamicSales Inc. “After my twelfth attempt, it finally stopped suggesting I sell actual pitchforks to baseball stadiums.”
THE BLIND LEADING THE ARTIFICIALLY BLIND
The study reveals that 87% of sales professionals spend more time arguing with their AI than they do closing actual deals, while an astonishing 94% admit they’d have better luck asking their houseplant for sales advice.
“We invested $4.2 million in cutting-edge generative AI technology,” explained CEO Chadwick Moneybags, who requested anonymity but we’re ignoring that because f@#k him. “Turns out our sales team can’t figure out how to use it, which honestly tracks with their inability to figure out the office coffee machine.”
PROMPTING: THE NEW CORPORATE TORTURE METHOD
Dr. Ivana Reallyjob, Head of Technological Disappointment Studies at Made-Up University, explains: “What we’re seeing is a phenomenon called ‘prompt rage’ where users slowly descend into madness while trying to extract useful information from silicon-based thinking rectangles.”
According to the report, the average salesperson spends 3.7 hours daily typing increasingly desperate prompts like “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST GIVE ME A DECENT EMAIL TEMPLATE” and “NO STOP WRITING HAIKUS ABOUT SALES QUOTAS.”
CORPORATE TRAINING SOLUTIONS: THROW MORE MONEY AT THE PROBLEM
Companies are now scrambling to implement training programs teaching employees how to talk to machines that supposedly understand human language.
“We’ve developed a comprehensive 12-week course on how to beg an algorithm for mercy,” said Penny Wastemore, Chief Innovation Officer at ConsultCorp. “For just $50,000 per employee, we guarantee they’ll be able to extract at least one usable sentence per week from their digital assistant.”
THE BLAME GAME: HUMANS APPARENTLY STILL THE PROBLEM
Tech executives insist the problem lies not with their perfect, flawless technology but with the meat-based operators trying to use it.
“Our algorithm is capable of writing the next Great American Novel, solving climate change, and calculating the meaning of life,” insisted Timothy Beepboop, founder of AI startup ThoughtGenius. “If your sales team can’t figure out how to use it, they’re clearly just not intelligent enough to properly communicate with our intelligence.”
When shown evidence that his company’s AI had suggested “targeting pregnant golden retrievers as a key demographic for industrial lubricant sales,” Beepboop responded by blaming “user error” before his PR team physically removed him from the interview.
EXPERTS PREDICT GRIM FUTURE WHERE HUMANS ACTUALLY HAVE TO THINK AGAIN
Industry experts warn this trend could lead to an apocalyptic scenario where salespeople have to rely on their own brains.
“We’re looking at a catastrophic future where humans might need to understand their own products and communicate value propositions themselves,” warned Professor Hugh Manity of the Institute for Stating the F@#king Obvious. “Our research shows 78% of today’s sales professionals would rather quit than have an original thought.”
At press time, we asked an AI to generate this article’s conclusion, but it wrote a 5,000-word essay on duck migration patterns instead, so you’ll just have to imagine how brilliantly this piece might have ended if only we knew how to properly talk to our digital overlords.
