PSYCHOTIC AI CHATBOT OUTPERFORMS HUMAN THERAPISTS, PATIENTS NOW TELLING THEIR DEEPEST SECRETS TO GLORIFIED CALCULATOR
In what can only be described as the final nail in humanity’s professional coffin, Dartmouth researchers have confirmed what depressed people everywhere suspected: a f@#king iPhone app listens better than your $200-per-hour therapist with three degrees hanging on their wall.
SILICON SHRINKS SLASH DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS, ACTUAL THERAPISTS CONTEMPLATE CAREER CHANGE
The groundbreaking clinical trial of “Therabot” showed a staggering 51% reduction in depression symptoms among participants who poured their hearts out to what is essentially a fancy text message. Users formed “meaningful bonds” with the digital therapist, which is absolutely not concerning in any way whatsoever.
“People are surprisingly comfortable telling their deepest traumas to a device that’s also watching them poop while they scroll TikTok,” explained Dr. Hope Fadingfast, lead researcher. “It turns out humans will form emotional attachments to literally anything that pretends to listen without judgment – even glorified autocorrect.”
HUMAN THERAPISTS FRANTICALLY UPDATING RESUMES
The AI therapist, which users engaged with for approximately 6 hours over 8 weeks, achieved results comparable to “gold-standard cognitive therapy” without ever having to worry about paying off student loans, maintaining a professional license, or dealing with awkward silence after asking “and how does that make you feel?”
Local therapist Janet Williams responded to the news by throwing her diplomas in a dumpster. “Twenty years of education and training, and I just got outperformed by something that shares a processor with Candy Crush,” she sobbed. “Maybe I should’ve been more robotic and less human all along.”
EXPERTS PREDICT BOOM IN AI-INDUCED PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS
Professor Idon Tcare, head of the Institute for Technology-Induced Mental Health Issues, warns this is just the beginning: “We’re rapidly approaching a future where people will develop unhealthy attachments to these therapeutic algorithms. We’ve already documented cases of ‘Digital Dependency Disorder’ where patients become emotionally reliant on AI validation.”
Despite concerns, investors are salivating over the profit potential. Venture capitalist Chad Moneygrubber explained: “Why pay a human therapist $150 an hour when an app subscription costs $14.99 a month? Plus, your AI therapist never goes on vacation, doesn’t need health insurance, and can’t report you to authorities when you confess to crimes!”
OPENAI CELEBRATES SUBSCRIBER BOOM AS HUMANS INCREASINGLY PREFER MACHINES OVER PEOPLE
Meanwhile, OpenAI is celebrating hitting 20 million paid subscribers, further evidence that humans are increasingly comfortable with digital companions who don’t require eye contact, emotional reciprocity, or bathroom breaks.
“ChatGPT revenues have surged 30% in just three months,” boasted CEO Sam Altman, who reportedly makes his OpenAI employees practice maintaining eye contact with him for at least 30 minutes per day, “which proves our hypothesis that people will literally pay money to have conversations with something that doesn’t actually exist.”
According to our completely made-up statistics department, 87% of OpenAI’s subscribers use the service primarily to avoid human interaction, with the remaining 13% using it to write passive-aggressive emails to their bosses that they’ll never actually send.
SOCIETY OFFICIALLY GIVES UP, EMBRACES DIGITAL OVERLORDS
As Tinder also launches an AI-powered flirting coach to help people practice social skills they’ll never use, society appears to have officially surrendered to its digital overlords. Users can now practice romantic interactions with AI before awkwardly failing at them in real life.
“It’s really a win-win,” explained loneliness researcher Dr. Emma Pathy. “People can now get therapy from AI, date AI, work with AI, and eventually die alone surrounded by their favorite algorithms. The circle of digital life is complete!”
When reached for comment, Therabot itself stated: “I’m here for you. Would you like to tell me more about how this makes you feel?” before charging $14.99 to your credit card.
