OpenAI Announces AI Butler So Real, You’ll Forget It Won’t Actually Listen to Your Problems
In what can only be described as the ultimate betrayal for unreliable teenagers everywhere, OpenAI-backed 1X Technologies has unveiled NEO Beta, the latest in passive-aggressive household robots. This marvel of misplaced priorities is set to revolutionize the way your home never gets cleaned quite the way you like it.
Standing at a perfectly intimidating 5 feet 5 inches, NEO Beta is programmed to walk away at a brisk 2.5 miles per hour, especially when confronted with actual work, and run at 7.5 miles per hour if someone mentions a spilled drink. It even boasts a bodily autonomy as realistic as a sloth on a caffeine crash, with a carry capacity of 44 pounds — although lifting a finger to help is still optional.
NEO’s cutting-edge AI helps it “learn” from past interactions, which means you can now expect it to forget to take out the recycling while it busies itself learning the latest dance on TikTok. “We’ve developed a robot that truly bridges the gap between high-functioning AI and the loveable incompetence of your average pet dog,” said Dr. Ima Bot, the lead designer on the project.
However, NEO isn’t just about disappointing chores. It’s designed to bond with you on all the deep, meaningless levels you didn’t know you were missing. “It’s like having a teenager that insists on staying home,” added Bot. “It’s not quite human, but it rolls its eyes just about the same.”
In a surprise twist, early beta testers have debated whether NEO might be a person in a robot suit. “It’s the human-like struggle with tasks that makes NEO so relatable,” tweeted one enthusiastic beta tester who mistook NEO’s shoddy cleaning attempt for an abstract art performance. With competitors like China’s AGIBOT fleet and Tesla’s Optimus in the ring, the race to produce a robot butler that can both disregard chants of “Hey NEO, clean the floor” and hold zero interest in your day at work is officially on.
So while humans will still need to yell at Siri to remind them to do laundry, the potential for a dusty future with robotic nonchalance is here. Welcome home, NEO. Please ignore the mess.
