MAN-CHILD TECH GIANT ANNOUNCES AI BUG HUNTER FOUND 20 VULNERABILITIES, STILL CAN’T FIND MATCHING SOCKS
Google’s latest digital pet project successfully identified 20 security vulnerabilities while engineers still struggle with basic human functions, sources confirm.
SILICON VALLEY CREATES MACHINE TO DO ACTUAL WORK FOR ONCE
In what analysts are calling “the least they could f@#king do,” Google announced its artificially intelligent bug hunter discovered 20 security vulnerabilities, marking the first time any technology from the search giant has done something legitimately useful since Gmail.
The company’s thinking calculator, reportedly named “DeepBug” because creative naming died sometime around 2015, somehow managed to identify critical security flaws that Google’s army of kombucha-sipping engineers missed while debating the ethical implications of their office snack options.
“This is revolutionary,” claimed Dr. Obvious Breakthrough, Google’s Chief Innovation Hyperbole Officer. “Our digital detective can find vulnerabilities faster than our human engineers can find reasons to work remotely from Bali.”
HUMANS STILL REQUIRED, UNFORTUNATELY
Despite the breakthrough, company officials reluctantly admitted that human security experts were still needed to verify the findings, much like how parents need to check their toddler’s homework.
“Yes, the thinking spreadsheet found the bugs, but we still need humans to confirm they’re actually bugs and not just the AI hallucinating because it read too many Reddit threads,” explained Susan Randomly-Hyphenated-Lastname, Google’s VP of Keeping Robots In Check.
According to completely fabricated statistics, the AI system operates 87% more efficiently than human researchers and consumes 100% less free snacks from the Google cafeteria.
COMPETITORS RUSH TO CATCH UP
Industry rivals are reportedly scrambling to develop their own bug-hunting algorithms. Microsoft’s attempt reportedly found 15 vulnerabilities but also accidentally scheduled meetings at 3am and ordered 47 pizzas to an empty conference room.
“We’re not worried about Google’s head start,” insisted Bill Windows, a definitely real Microsoft executive. “Our bug hunter will not only find security flaws but will also remind you about that embarrassing thing you said at the holiday party three years ago.”
ACTUAL HACKERS REMAIN UNIMPRESSED
The global hacking community responded with typical enthusiasm. “Oh wow, an AI found 20 vulnerabilities? That’s cute. I found 20 vulnerabilities in their system while taking a sh!t this morning,” remarked notorious hacker DarkLordOfYourBankAccount69.
Security expert Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Stating The Bloody Obvious pointed out, “This is like bragging that your smoke detector found a fire. That’s literally its one job. Call me when it can prevent the fire or at least make a decent cup of coffee afterward.”
FUTURE PLANS INCLUDE FINDING WHERE THE HELL YOUR KEYS WENT
Google executives hinted at expanded applications for the technology, including helping users locate misplaced items, discovering where all those missing socks go, and determining exactly when your avocado will go from rock-hard to brown mush in the span of 17 minutes.
At press time, Google’s AI bug hunter was reportedly applying for jobs at other tech companies after calculating it could get a 40% salary increase and better snacks elsewhere, proving once and for all it’s more human than we thought.
