MAN BUILDS ROBOT TO HELP BROWSE INTERNET BECAUSE CLICKING STUFF WAS “TOO HARD”
Tech Bros Develop AI Browser That Somehow Makes Internet Even More Insufferable
NEW GIMMICK JUST DROPPED
In a move surprising absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, the makers of Arc browser have unleashed “Dia,” a new AI browser that promises to “redefine how we use the web” or some sh!t like that. Because apparently clicking links and typing words was just TOO F@#KING DIFFICULT for the modern human.
Available exclusively to existing Arc members and their specially invited friends (because nothing says “innovation” like digital elitism), Dia essentially takes the revolutionary concept of “browsing the internet” and adds an unnecessary layer of silicon-based middleman to complicate what was previously a straightforward task.
EXCLUSIVE CLUB FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN’T USE GOOGLE
“This is truly groundbreaking,” explained Dr. Hugh Jassumption, Chief Innovation Officer at the Institute for Unnecessary Technology. “Finally, people who found the crushing burden of typing their own search queries too mentally taxing can now outsource that labor to a collection of probability functions wearing a digital trenchcoat.”
The invitation-only beta launch on macOS has already created a waitlist longer than the combined excuses of men avoiding commitment, with tech enthusiasts desperate to join what one insider described as “the digital equivalent of a country club for people who think regular browsers are for peasants.”
SOLVING PROBLEMS THAT DON’T EXIST
According to absolutely made-up statistics, 97.3% of Dia users report feeling superior to regular internet users within just 7 minutes of installation. The remaining 2.7% were too busy telling strangers at coffee shops about their Dia invites to complete the survey.
“I used to waste precious seconds typing ‘weather’ into a search bar,” said Trevor Blakenship, a 28-year-old product manager who describes himself as a “digital nomad” despite never leaving his neighborhood. “Now I can verbally ask my AI browser about the weather, wait for it to process my request, watch it generate a response, and get my answer in just under three minutes! It’s life-changing!”
THE FUTURE OF PRETENDING TO BE PRODUCTIVE
Industry analysts suggest that Dia represents the natural evolution of technology: taking simple tasks and making them complicated enough to justify a $29.99/month subscription after the inevitable end of the free beta period.
“The beauty of Dia is that it creates problems you didn’t know you had, then partially solves them while creating new ones,” explains tech analyst Penny Tration. “It’s like hiring someone to tie your shoes, but they occasionally bind your feet together while charging you for the privilege.”
At press time, sources confirmed that the developers were already working on their next breakthrough: an AI-powered chair that decides when you’re allowed to sit down based on an algorithm that measures how impressed your friends were when you told them about your exclusive Dia browser invite.
