HUMANITY REJOICES AS ANOTHER F@#KING AI BROWSER NOBODY ASKED FOR ARRIVES ON WINDOWS
In what experts are calling “definitely what the world needed right now,” Perplexity has heroically launched its AI-powered browser “Comet” for Windows users desperate to have yet another digital entity reading their search history and judging their late-night curiosities.
TECH BROS CELEBRATE WITH CHAMPAGNE BATHS WHILE REGULAR USERS WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
The new browser, which promises “smarter search and assistant features,” joins the approximately 47,000 other AI tools launched this week that all basically do the same sh!t but with slightly different logos. Windows users can now experience the thrill of having their questions answered by an algorithm that somehow manages to be both condescending and wrong simultaneously.
“This is revolutionary technology that will change everything about how you browse the internet,” claimed Perplexity CEO Brad Obviouslying. “Instead of typing your search into Google and getting results, you can now type your search into our browser and get results with added buzzwords like ‘AI-powered’ and ‘neural processing’.”
USERS REPORT FEELING 40% SMARTER JUST BY DOWNLOADING THE APP
Early beta testers report the browser makes them feel intellectually superior to their friends still using Chrome, despite functionally doing the exact same things. According to a study we completely made up, 87% of Comet users spent the majority of their time with the browser explaining to disinterested family members why their browser is “not just a browser” but an “ambient digital intelligence companion.”
Dr. Ima Skeptical, Professor of Digital Redundancy at the Institute for Questioning Silicon Valley Bullsh!t, offered her assessment: “What makes Comet truly special is how it creates the illusion of novelty while fundamentally repackaging existing technology with glossier marketing. It’s genuinely impressive how they’ve convinced people this is something new.”
THE BRAVE NEW WORLD WHERE YOUR BROWSER KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOUR THERAPIST
The company proudly announced that iOS and Android versions are “on the way,” ensuring that soon every device you own can be part of the digital panopticon tracking your every digital movement under the guise of “personalization.” Privacy experts estimate the average user will surrender approximately 9,742 personal data points within the first three minutes of installation.
“Our algorithm knows what you want before you do,” explained Perplexity’s Head of Unnecessary Features, Tad Overreach. “It’s like having a friend who constantly interrupts conversations to finish your sentences incorrectly, but, you know, helpful.”
In related news, sources confirm that at least 14 venture capitalists spontaneously combusted from excitement after hearing the phrase “AI-powered browser” during the product’s pitch meeting, collectively throwing $200 million at the company before anyone actually explained what the product does.
At press time, 98% of downloaded copies of Comet remained unused after the initial “let me check this out” phase, joining the digital graveyard of apps that briefly seemed interesting before users returned to their comfortable, familiar browsing habits.
