UK PROPOSAL LETS AI BOTS LEGALLY STEAL CREATIVE WORKS; DESIGNERS RESPOND BY DESIGNING MIDDLE FINGER STATUE OUTSIDE PARLIAMENT
In a move that has shocked absolutely no one with more than three functioning brain cells, the UK government has proposed letting AI companies train their little thinking machines on copyrighted work without permission, essentially telling the entire creative industry to go f@#k itself sideways with a red phone box.
THE DIGITAL HIGHWAY ROBBERY ACT
The new legislation, unofficially dubbed the “Who Needs Human Creativity Anyway?” bill, would allow silicon-based thought factories to gobble up decades of human innovation faster than a drunk university student inhales a kebab at 3 AM.
“This is basically legalized plagiarism,” said Tom Dixon, renowned designer and person who actually makes things with his human hands. “What’s next? Letting burglars into our studios as long as they leave a thank-you note?”
DESIGNERS THROW ABSOLUTELY BRITISH TANTRUM
The UK design community, known worldwide for creating iconic items like the red phone box, London Underground map, and contributing to the iPhone, has responded with what experts are calling “the most passive-aggressive letter in British history” to Technology Secretary Peter Kyle.
“We’re not angry, we’re just disappointed,” the letter probably says somewhere, in that uniquely British way that actually means “we’re f@#king furious but too polite to say it directly.”
GOVERNMENT REACHES PEAK STUPIDITY
When reached for comment, a government spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous but we’ll call “Captain Oblivious” explained: “Look, we just want to ensure that Britain leads the world in AI technology, even if that means sacrificing the entire creative sector that generates approximately £115.9 billion annually for the UK economy.”
Dr. Ivonna Cluemate, professor of Obvious Economic Consequences at the University of Common Sense, points out: “According to our research, approximately 98.7% of AI-generated work is derivative garbage that looks like it was created by a committee of algorithms with a hangover.”
CREATIVE PROFESSIONALS CONSIDER CAREER CHANGE TO PROFESSIONAL SOBBING
The proposal has united creatives across multiple industries in a way not seen since the last time the government completely failed to understand how creativity works. Paul McCartney, Richard Osman, and Kate Bush have all voiced opposition, marking the first time these three names have appeared in the same sentence outside of someone’s eclectic Spotify playlist.
Sebastian Conran, another signatory of the letter, reportedly muttered, “I’ve spent decades perfecting my craft only to have some algorithm slurp up my life’s work like it’s a bloody smoothie.”
THE INNOVATIVE SOLUTION: JUST STOP CREATING
Industry experts suggest that if the proposal passes, designers might adopt a bold new strategy: creating absolutely nothing. “Can’t steal what doesn’t exist,” explained Professor Malicious Compliance from the Royal College of Passive Resistance.
In related news, 97% of AI companies couldn’t create an original idea if their server farms depended on it, according to a study we just made up but sounds accurate enough.
At press time, designers were reportedly working on a new UK passport that, when scanned by AI, simply displays the message “Nice try, you cheeky bastard.”
