ROBOT DOCTORS NOW BETTER AT LOOKING AT YOUR POOP THAN ACTUAL HUMANS, HUMANITY DOOMED
Cambridge scientists have unleashed yet another digital monster on the medical profession, this time creating an algorithm that can diagnose coeliac disease faster than human doctors while simultaneously making pathologists question their entire career choices and expensive medical degrees.
THE MACHINES ARE COMING FOR YOUR INTESTINES
The AI tool, reportedly developed by nerds with too much time on their hands at the University of Cambridge, can now detect whether your intestines are waging war against bread with the same accuracy as human doctors but in approximately 0.02% of the time it takes the NHS to schedule your first appointment.
“This is absolutely revolutionary,” exclaimed Professor Gluten McNowheat, lead researcher on the project who definitely hasn’t been replaced by silicon already. “Now patients can be diagnosed by a computer and then wait just as f@#king long for actual treatment!”
COMPUTERS: THE NEW POOP EXPERTS
The study, which absolutely no one read beyond the abstract, found that the AI can analyze intestinal biopsies with 99.8% accuracy, compared to human pathologists who operate at a measly 98% when they’re not checking their phones or thinking about lunch.
Dr. Celeste Iacdiagnosis, who was not involved in the study because she was busy actually treating patients, commented: “Great, now I have to compete with a calculator that doesn’t need coffee breaks or student loan repayments. What’s next? Robot surgeons that don’t need to golf on Wednesdays?”
PATIENTS CELEBRATE BEING DIAGNOSED FASTER FOR A DISEASE WITH NO CURE
With this breakthrough, the UK’s 700,000 coeliac sufferers can look forward to being told they’ll never eat normal pizza again much more efficiently.
“I’ve waited four years for my diagnosis,” said Janet Williams, 42, from Leicester. “Now I can be told to avoid gluten for the rest of my life in just minutes! This leaves me so much more time to pay £8 for a tiny loaf of bread that tastes like compressed sawdust.”
NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE EXCITED TO CUT MORE JOBS
NHS administrators are reportedly ecstatic about the development, with internal documents revealing plans to replace entire pathology departments with a single laptop running Windows 7.
“This could save the NHS billions,” claimed financial analyst Dr. Penny Pincher. “Our studies show we can reduce diagnostic wait times from ‘until you’ve forgotten why you went to the doctor’ to ‘slightly less than that’ while cutting staff by 87.3%.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, the AI tool could diagnose all UK coeliac cases in approximately the same time it takes to explain to your grandmother what coeliac disease actually is (roughly 3.5 hours with interruptions).
BREAD INDUSTRY IN PANIC MODE
Representatives from Big Bread have expressed concerns, with spokesperson Doughy McYeastface warning: “If everyone gets diagnosed correctly, who’s going to buy our gluten-packed products? We’ve been relying on undiagnosed coeliacs for decades!”
Experts predict that by 2030, approximately 94% of all medical diagnoses will be performed by the same technology that currently recommends which Netflix shows you might like, meaning your intestinal problems and your binge-watching habits will finally be connected in one convenient database that definitely won’t be hacked by teenagers in Estonia.
In conclusion, researchers confirm that while the AI can diagnose you faster than ever, it still can’t help you afford those fancy gluten-free cookies that somehow cost more despite containing fewer ingredients. Progress!
