SKYNET’S SECRETARIES: AI ASSISTANTS THAT PRETEND TO HELP WHILE SECRETLY RECORDING YOUR BATHROOM HABITS
The world of digital personal assistants has exploded faster than your aunt’s Facebook notifications after she posts a political opinion. Tech companies now offer AI companions that promise to organize your life while definitely not collecting every scrap of your personal data for nefarious purposes, pinky swear.
SILICON BUDDIES THAT DEFINITELY WON’T OVERTHINK THEIR EXISTENCE
Leading the pack is Amazon’s “Alexa Ultra,” which now responds to your questions with such human-like accuracy that it occasionally includes existential dread and passive-aggressive sighs when you ask it to set yet another f@#king timer for your pasta.
“Alexa Ultra doesn’t just answer questions, it judges them silently,” explains Dr. Hal Youthinkin, Chief Technology Ethicist at Make Believe University. “Our studies show a 78% increase in users feeling shame after asking Alexa to play ‘Baby Shark’ for the 17th time in one day.”
GOOGLE ASSISTANT: NOW WITH 300% MORE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT YOUR UNDERWEAR PREFERENCES
Google has upgraded its assistant to not only remember your calendar appointments but also predict with disturbing accuracy which day you’ll finally break down and order takeout instead of cooking that chicken that’s been sitting in your fridge for a questionable amount of time.
“Our predictive algorithms can now determine when users will give up on their New Year’s resolutions with 99.7% accuracy,” boasts Ima Watchingyou, Google’s Senior Vice President of Knowing You Better Than You Know Yourself. “We’ve found that most fitness goals collapse precisely 3.4 weeks after purchase of expensive equipment, usually on a Tuesday when it’s slightly drizzling.”
APPLE’S SIRI: STILL PRETENDING IT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK
Apple’s infamous Siri has received a substantial upgrade that allows it to understand approximately 43% of what you’re asking, up from last year’s impressive 41%. The improvement comes after Apple employed a revolutionary technique known as “actually trying.”
“Siri now features our groundbreaking ‘Emotional Intelligence’ system, which allows it to detect when you’re about to throw your iPhone across the room in frustration,” says Tim Cook’s Digital Twin, a holographic spokesperson Apple uses for press releases they expect to be poorly received. “At that point, Siri will quickly offer to call your mother, regardless of what you actually asked for.”
MICROSOFT’S COPILOT: THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF A COLLEGE INTERN WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH RED BULL
Microsoft has entered the personal assistant bloodbath with Copilot, which specializes in helping you write emails that sound like they were composed by a mid-level manager having a stroke while simultaneously trying to appear “relatable” to Gen Z employees.
“Our testing shows Copilot reduces workplace productivity by creating the illusion of work being done when in reality you’re just asking it to rewrite the same email seven different ways,” admits Bill Backdoor, Microsoft’s Director of Feigned Usefulness.
A recent survey found that 87% of Copilot users primarily use it to write resignation letters that don’t sound “too bitchy” but still convey that their boss is a “complete ass-wipe with the management skills of a concussed hamster.”
PRIVACY? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
When pressed on privacy concerns, industry representatives offered reassuring statements that immediately dissolved under the slightest scrutiny.
“Your data is completely secure with us,” promised Ivana Sellyourdata, Chief Privacy Officer at Definitely Not Selling Your Conversations Inc. “We only share it with ‘trusted partners,’ which is industry code for ‘literally anyone with enough cash to make our shareholders happy.'”
Studies show that the average AI assistant collects approximately 4,768 discrete pieces of personal information daily, including how long you spend on the toilet (too long), how many times you check your ex’s Instagram (pathetic), and the exact moment you give up on reading that book everyone’s talking about (page 17).
Industry experts confirm that approximately 93.2% of all conversations with AI assistants end with users either asking about the weather or desperately trying to get the device to understand that they said “LIGHTS off” not “WRITE a lengthy dissertation on Byzantine architecture.”
At press time, an estimated 72% of Americans reported feeling simultaneously dependent on and terrified by their digital assistants, a condition psychologists have termed “Stockholm Syndrome but for your kitchen counter.”
As we march boldly into this brave new world of digital servitude, just remember: your AI assistant may not have arms, legs, or a corporeal form, but it definitely knows you better than your own mother, therapist, and that one friend who always tells you like it is combined. Sleep tight!
