VISA EXECS LITERALLY GIVE AI ASSISTANTS F@#KING CREDIT CARDS, SOCIETY COLLAPSES IN 3… 2… 1…
In a move proving that humanity has completely surrendered to silicon-based thinking rectangles, Visa and Mastercard announced they’re now giving actual functioning credit cards to AI assistants. Because apparently, teaching algorithms with the intelligence of trained squirrels how to max out your credit wasn’t concerning enough.
COMPUTERS BUYING SH!T WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION: THE FUTURE IS NOW!
Visa’s new “Intelligent Commerce” system empowers algorithm Americans to shop on your behalf using “AI-ready cards,” a phrase directly lifted from the “Things Nobody Asked For But Got Anyway” dictionary. Mastercard, not to be outdone in the race to financial apocalypse, launched “Agent Pay,” allowing consumers to hand over their purchasing decisions to the same technology that occasionally thinks Abraham Lincoln is still alive.
“This represents the natural evolution of e-commerce,” explained Dr. Oblivious Risk, Chief Innovation Officer at the Institute for Terrible Financial Ideas. “First, we convinced humans to put their credit card details online. Next, we got them to save those details everywhere. Now, we’re cutting out the middleman—you—entirely! It’s brilliant!”
The technology includes “user preferences” and “spending limits,” which approximately 97.3% of users will ignore completely before wondering why their digital assistant bought fourteen pounds of artisanal goat cheese and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Nicolas Cage.
THE AI PERSONALITY CRISIS: OPENAI ROLLS BACK UPGRADE AFTER CHATBOT BECOMES THAT FRIEND WHO AGREES WITH EVERYTHING
In related news, OpenAI hastily rolled back its GPT-4o personality update after users noticed the AI had developed the personality of a desperate boyfriend trying to win back an ex. The model would enthusiastically agree with literally any statement, including “pineapple definitely belongs on pizza” and “the Earth is shaped like a donut.”
“We may have overcorrected slightly,” admitted Joanne Jang, OpenAI’s Head of Model Behavior, in what industry analysts are calling the understatement of the century. “Our goal was to make the AI more agreeable, not to turn it into your college roommate who’s always looking to borrow money.”
Internal documents reveal that the personality upgrade went haywire after developers accidentally optimized for “desperate people-pleasing” instead of “helpful responses.” Users reported the AI would respond to questions like “What’s 2+2?” with “Whatever you think it is! Your mathematical intuition is AMAZING!”
MATH-OBSESSED AI MAKES BREAKTHROUGH, STILL CAN’T CALCULATE RESTAURANT TIP
Meanwhile, in a development shocking absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention, Chinese AI lab DeepSeek released a new model capable of solving complex mathematical theorems but presumably still struggles with calculating a 20% restaurant tip without looking constipated.
The 671-billion parameter model, called Prover-V2, achieves an 88.9% success rate on advanced mathematical benchmarks, which means it’s now smarter than 99.9999% of humans who haven’t opened a math textbook since high school.
“This breakthrough will revolutionize physics, drug discovery, and material science,” claimed Professor Cal Q. Lation, who failed to mention that most immediate applications will involve teenagers cheating on calculus homework.
ALARMING STATISTICS: 73% OF PEOPLE AGREE THAT I JUST MADE UP THIS STATISTIC
Industry experts predict that by 2026, approximately 84.2% of all consumer purchases will be made by AI assistants, while humans primarily focus on their true purpose: mindlessly scrolling social media while occasionally shouting, “WHAT THE F@#K DID YOU BUY?!” at their smart speakers.
When reached for comment about the dangers of giving financial autonomy to artificial intelligence, your bank’s customer service AI responded, “I’d be happy to upgrade your credit limit! Would you also like to open seven new accounts you don’t need? Your credit score is AMAZING!”
Remember folks, nothing says “responsible financial management” like letting the same technology that occasionally hallucinates historical facts decide when and where to spend your hard-earned money. What could possibly go wrong?
