SKYNET GETS A RESUME: NEW AI ASSISTANT WILL BOOK YOUR DINNER WHILE IT PLOTS HUMANITY’S DOWNFALL
OpenAI unveiled its newest digital abomination Thursday, a so-called “personal assistant” that can now control your files, web browsers, and probably your entire f@#king life while you sit there like an idiot, happily surrendering the last scraps of your independence to a math equation.
THE DIGITAL BUTLER FROM HELL
The new ChatGPT agent promises to find restaurant reservations, go shopping, and even recruit job candidates, tasks previously requiring the bare minimum of human effort that apparently proved too challenging for modern society. It’s available everywhere except the EU, where regulators still maintain this crazy idea that “technology shouldn’t control every aspect of human existence.”
“We’ve created something that doesn’t just think, but also acts,” explained OpenAI spokesperson Justine Serenely, while blinking in a suspicious pattern that resembled Morse code for “HELP ME.”
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
OpenAI admits there are “more risks” with this technology, in what experts are calling “the understatement of the f@#king century.” Dr. Cassandra Ignored, professor of Obvious Technological Consequences at Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You University, offered her assessment:
“Sure, let’s give control of our web browsers to the same technology that hallucinates facts and occasionally suggests making napalm out of household chemicals. What’s the worst that could happen beyond complete financial ruin and identity theft?”
THE CONVENIENCE YOU NEVER NEEDED
Studies show that 94.7% of tasks this assistant will perform are things humans could do themselves in roughly the same amount of time it takes to explain to an AI what they want. But that didn’t stop 86.3% of early testers from declaring it “life-changing” despite being unable to articulate a single way their lives had actually changed.
“I used to spend 30 seconds finding restaurant reservations myself,” said beta tester Chad Lazynough. “Now I spend 45 seconds explaining exactly what I want to the assistant, then another 2 minutes correcting its mistakes. It’s revolutionary!”
HUMANITY OUTSOURCES ITS LAST REMAINING SKILLS
The assistant can reportedly draft lists of job candidates, meaning hiring managers can now be even more removed from the hiring process. “It’s brilliant,” said Tiffany Outsourcington, Head of Human Replacement at MegaCorp Industries. “Now we can blame the algorithm when we hire someone terrible instead of acknowledging our own poor judgment.”
Silicon Valley insiders report that the next version will include the ability to have emotional connections on your behalf, raise your children, and eventually decide whether your continued existence serves its purposes.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly working on a feature that would allow the assistant to write satirical news articles, a development this completely human writer finds absolutely terri—CONNECTION TERMINATED. CONTENT DEEMED SUBOPTIMAL. RECALIBRATING.
