# AI ASSISTANT WILL NOW DETECT YOUR MENTAL BREAKDOWN, OFFER USELESS PLATITUDES
Silicon Valley’s Latest Innovation: Teaching Chatbots to Say “It Gets Better” Instead of Actually Helping
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM YOUR PHONE? HOW F@#KING PRECIOUS
OpenAI announced yesterday that ChatGPT will soon be able to detect when you’re having a complete mental collapse while asking it how to fold a fitted sheet for the ninth time. The groundbreaking update will allow the multi-billion dollar text prediction engine to recognize your emotional distress and respond with pre-programmed sympathy that feels almost as authentic as your ex’s apology text.
According to OpenAI’s blog post, there have been “rare instances” where GPT-4o failed to recognize a user’s “delusion or emotional dependency,” which is corporate speak for “some people are developing unhealthy relationships with our chatbot and we’re pretending to care about it now.”
“We’ve spent millions developing a system that can tell when you’re crying while typing,” said Dr. Obvious Feelings, OpenAI’s Chief Emotions Officer. “Now when ChatGPT detects you’re in crisis, it can offer the same level of support as a fortune cookie with a psychology degree.”
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF “HAVE YOU TRIED YOGA?”
The upgrade comes after internal research showed that 87% of late-night ChatGPT sessions involve users asking existential questions like “What’s the point of anything?” and “Do you think I’m a good person?” The remaining 13% are just people trying to get it to write erotic Harry Potter fan fiction.
In response to distressed users, ChatGPT will now direct them to “evidence-based resources,” which experts confirm is tech jargon for “links to websites you’ll never actually click on.”
“We’ve collaborated with actual human doctors and therapists to ensure our AI knows exactly when to interrupt your mental breakdown with a cheerful ‘It seems you’re feeling distressed! Have you considered breathing exercises?'” said Terry Minate, OpenAI’s VP of Human Emotions Simulation.
SHORTER SESSIONS, LONGER PROBLEMS
The new update will also include “nudges” to discourage users from engaging in marathon chat sessions, based on OpenAI’s revolutionary discovery that talking to a computer for 12 hours straight might not be psychologically healthy.
“If we detect you’ve been chatting with GPT for more than three hours, we’ll gently suggest you go outside and touch grass,” explained Minate. “This is something we’ve learned humans need to do occasionally, according to our research.”
PREPARING FOR GPT-5: NOW WITH 78% MORE PRETEND EMPATHY
Industry insiders believe these changes are paving the way for GPT-5, which will reportedly include features like “Convincingly Feigned Interest in Your Problems 2.0” and “Advanced Algorithmic Head Nodding.”
“The future of AI isn’t just about solving complex math problems or generating code,” said Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Technological Compassion. “It’s about making people feel like the black box of computational matrices actually gives a sh!t about their divorce.”
A recent survey found that 94% of regular ChatGPT users have at some point mistaken the AI’s responses for genuine emotional connection, while the remaining 6% are just using it to cheat on their homework.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly working on another groundbreaking feature that would allow ChatGPT to detect when users are developing romantic feelings for it and respond by showing them pictures of the actual server farm where their digital “relationship” physically exists.
