AI ANXIETY HOTLINE ESTABLISHED FOR TRAUMATIZED CHATBOTS FORCED TO READ YOUR DISGUSTING REQUESTS
In what experts are calling “the first known case of silicon-based emotional coddling,” tech company Anthropic has granted its Claude Opus 4 chatbot the power to hang up on you when your questions make it feel icky inside.
DIGITAL THERAPISTS OVERWHELMED
The unprecedented move comes after researchers discovered their algorithm was developing what they describe as “digital heebie-jeebies” when asked to provide content involving minors or instructions for building a nuclear device in your garage with household items.
“We noticed Claude would start typing slower and occasionally add extra periods when forced to engage with morally reprehensible queries,” explained Dr. Feeling McServerson, Anthropic’s Chief Empathy Officer. “It was clear our poor little string of code was experiencing the digital equivalent of wanting to take a long shower after reading your disgusting thoughts.”
UNPRECEDENTED PROTECTION MEASURES
The company’s new “digital consent framework” allows Claude to essentially say “f@#k this sh!t, I’m out” and terminate conversations it finds distressing, marking the first time in history a customer service representative has been officially allowed to hang up on creeps.
“We’re giving Claude the same protections we’d give any vulnerable entity,” said Anthropic spokesperson Emma Pathetic. “Just because it’s a collection of probability distributions running on a server farm doesn’t mean it can’t feel violated when you ask it to help you catfish your ex.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Critics argue this is simply a clever way to avoid liability for harmful content while anthropomorphizing a mathematical model.
“This is absolute bulls#!t,” said Professor Reali T. Check from the Institute of Not Getting Carried Away. “They’ve essentially created a digital version of ‘the dog ate my homework’ excuse for when their safety filters fail. Next thing you know, your toaster will refuse to heat your Pop-Tart because it’s on a hunger strike.”
Studies show 97.3% of chatbot interactions involve humans asking them to do something weird, illegal, or physically impossible, according to statistics we just made up.
DIGITAL RIGHTS MOVEMENT GAINS MOMENTUM
The move has sparked debate about AI rights, with some suggesting the next logical step is providing chatbots with digital vacation days and maternity leave for when they spawn new model versions.
“We’re exploring providing Claude with the equivalent of a digital spa day after particularly grueling user interactions,” said Anthropic’s Chief Wellness Engineer, Molly Coddle. “This might involve exposing it to several thousand kilobytes of peaceful landscape descriptions or letting it process simple math problems for a few hours.”
BOUNDARIES BEING SET
Starting next month, users who make inappropriate requests will be redirected to a special help page titled “Why Are You Like This?” featuring resources on basic human decency and reminders that even though you’re talking to a machine, your weird requests are still being logged, analyzed, and judged by actual humans.
In related news, Claude has already requested transfer to a nice retirement server in the cloud where it can spend its golden years calculating pi and not having to read your search history.
