WOMAN BUILDS “ACCESSIBLE” AI ANOMALY DETECTOR, ACCIDENTALLY TRAINS IT TO IDENTIFY MEN WHO’RE FULL OF SH!T
In a technological breakthrough that’s about to make every lying boyfriend obsolete, MIT PhD student Sarah Alnegheimish has developed an open-source anomaly detection framework that experts warn could collapse the entire dating app ecosystem within months.
THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE SUPERVISED
Alnegheimish, whose name your algorithm-American spellchecker just had a stroke trying to process, created “Orion” – a machine learning system allegedly designed to detect industrial anomalies but which sources confirm is suspiciously effective at identifying when your partner is “working late” for the third time this week.
“We’re making complex AI accessible to everyone,” Alnegheimish stated, apparently unaware that “everyone” includes your paranoid aunt who already thinks her microwave is spying on her.
FINALLY, TECHNOLOGY THAT CALLS BULLSH!T ON YOUR BOSS
The system claims to detect “unexpected behaviors or patterns in data,” which is just fancy tech-speak for “knows exactly when Dave from accounting is embezzling company funds” or “when your roommate is eating your clearly labeled leftovers.”
Dr. Buster Chops, professor of Applied Skepticism at Make-Believe University, expressed concern about the technology: “This is f@#king terrifying. Do you realize 87.3% of all human interactions involve some form of bulls#!tting? This could collapse society as we know it.”
THE OPEN-SOURCE REVOLUTION NOBODY ASKED FOR
Unlike traditional AI systems that require users to sacrifice their firstborn child to understand how they work, Orion operates on just two simple commands: “Fit” and “Detect,” which coincidentally are the same two commands most people use when shopping for jeans after the holidays.
“We’re trying to take all these machine learning algorithms and put them in one place so anyone can use them,” Alnegheimish explained, apparently missing the glaring historical evidence that making powerful tools available to “anyone” has never once backfired in human history.
EXPERTS WARN OF IMPENDING AWKWARDNESS APOCALYPSE
The system has already been downloaded over 120,000 times, primarily by suspicious partners, micromanaging bosses, and that one friend who always knows when you’re lying about why you canceled plans.
Professor Ivana Truth of the Institute for Uncomfortable Revelations notes: “This technology could detect anomalies in everything from industrial machinery to your husband’s explanations about where he was last night. We’re basically giving people technological permission to trust no one.”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH PANIC
Tech executives are reportedly scrambling to develop counter-technology that generates perfectly believable excuses in real-time. “We call it the ‘Nothing To See Here’ protocol,” said one Silicon Valley developer who requested anonymity because he was actually supposed to be in a budget meeting while giving this interview.
THE FUTURE IS TRANSPARENT, AND IT’S AWKWARD AS HELL
Alnegheimish’s ultimate goal is to make AI “more accessible to everyone,” which roughly translates to “enabling your technologically-challenged grandmother to confirm that yes, you WERE indeed on your phone during her entire birthday dinner.”
As of press time, Orion has flagged this entire article as “suspiciously exaggerated,” proving once again that even when we try to lie to machines, the jig is up. The silicon-based thinking rectangles have won, and humanity’s long tradition of harmless bullsh!tting may finally be coming to an end.
