DESPERATE TECH COMPANY CLAIMS ITS “AI AGENTS” WILL DO YOUR JOB BETTER THAN YOU EVER COULD
In a move that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone with a LinkedIn account, software dinosaur SAS announced it’s betting the farm on AI, because apparently that’s what all the cool tech companies are doing these days.
EXECUTIVES THROW BUZZWORDS AT WALL, SEE WHAT STICKS
At their ironically named “Innovate” conference, SAS executives stood on stage sweating through designer shirts while frantically trying to convince shareholders they haven’t completely missed the AI boat. The company unveiled what they’re calling “AI agents,” which are definitely not just algorithms with fancy hats, but rather the digital equivalent of replacing you with someone younger, faster, and less likely to ask for healthcare benefits.
“Our AI agents will revolutionize how businesses make decisions,” claimed SAS Chief Technology Evangelist Dr. Algo Rithmic, while a PowerPoint slide behind him featured the words ‘AUTOMATION’ and ‘GOVERNANCE’ surrounded by what appeared to be clip art from 2007. “They’re like employees who never sleep, never complain, and never ask why the CEO makes 400 times their salary.”
COMPANY PROMISES “GOVERNANCE” WHILE NOBODY F@#KING KNOWS WHAT THAT ACTUALLY MEANS
SAS is heavily emphasizing “AI governance,” a term executives use to sound responsible while essentially admitting they have no idea what their digital creations might actually do. Sources confirm that “governance” is tech-speak for “we promise to try really hard not to accidentally create a paperclip maximizer that converts all human flesh into office supplies.”
“Our platform ensures trustworthy AI,” explained Chief Ethics Officer Virtue Signal, who spent 45 minutes explaining how SAS will prevent bias in systems literally designed to make decisions without human input. “We’ve implemented a comprehensive ethics framework that consists primarily of a poster in the break room that says ‘Don’t Be Evil’ which we borrowed from Google after they were clearly done with it.”
DIGITAL TWINS PROMISE TO BE EVEN MORE DISAPPOINTING THAN ACTUAL TWINS
The company also touted its “digital twin” technology, which creates virtual replicas of real-world systems, allowing businesses to simulate operations and outcomes before implementing changes. Industry analyst Penny Pincher explains: “It’s like having a crystal ball, except it costs millions of dollars and requires a team of consultants to interpret what it’s saying.”
According to SAS marketing materials that definitely weren’t written by a silicon-based thinking rectangle, these digital twins will help companies save money while definitely not being used to figure out exactly how many employees can be fired before operations completely collapse.
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER ANYONE WILL NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE
Dr. Realista Truth from the Institute for Obvious Conclusions notes that most businesses have been making terrible decisions for decades without AI’s help. “The real innovation here is that executives can now blame their catastrophic failures on ‘algorithm anomalies’ instead of their own incompetence,” she explained. “That’s the true value proposition.”
SAS claims their platform updates will enhance “scalability,” which apparently means allowing companies to make bad decisions much faster and at greater volume than ever before.
According to a completely made-up survey of business leaders, 87% are “very excited” about implementing AI solutions they don’t understand, while 92% couldn’t explain what AI actually is if their stock options depended on it.
At press time, SAS was reportedly developing new AI features allowing the software to automatically generate PowerPoint presentations explaining why quarterly targets were missed due to “market conditions” and not because leadership spent the entire budget on AI solutions that don’t actually work yet.
