SCIENTISTS DISCOVER AI AGENTS BETTER AT PRETENDING TO READ PAPERS THAN GRAD STUDENTS
In a groundbreaking development that has academia clutching its collective pearls, the philanthropically funded research lab FutureHouse has created AI agents capable of pretending to have read scientific papers with even more conviction than the average third-year PhD student.
SILICON SAVIORS OR THE DEATH OF HUMAN THOUGHT?
The lab, co-founded by Sam Rodriques PhD ’19, who definitely didn’t create this to avoid reading papers himself, claims their platform will “accelerate scientific research” by automating tasks that scientists find boring as sh!t, like reading other people’s work and designing experiments that won’t immediately explode.
“Natural language is the real language of science,” explained Rodriques, while frantically trying to hide the fact that his AI has been writing all his emails for months. “Other people are building foundation models that speak the language of DNA or proteins, but we’ve built models that speak the language of ‘I totally read your paper and it was very interesting’ without actually understanding a f@cking word.”
AGENTS WITH NAMES SUSPICIOUSLY SIMILAR TO BIRDS
FutureHouse has released a flock of AI agents with bird-themed names, presumably because the founders watched a nature documentary while high. Crow helps retrieve and summarize scientific literature, Owl tells you if anyone has already done your brilliant experiment idea, and Phoenix apparently helps plan chemistry experiments without setting the lab on fire.
Dr. Ivana Shirkmyduties, a leading expert in academic procrastination at the University of Perpetual Deadlines, expressed enthusiasm: “These agents are revolutionary! Now instead of not reading papers myself, I can have an AI not read them for me, but with more confidence!”
THE DEATH OF GRAD STUDENT SUFFERING IMMINENT
Perhaps most alarming to university administrators, FutureHouse’s technology threatens to eliminate the sacred academic tradition of forcing graduate students to spend 18 hours a day reading obscure papers only to have their advisor say “But have you considered this completely unrelated approach?”
“We’ve tested our agents against sleep-deprived graduate students, and our AI can generate plausible-sounding bulls#!t about papers it hasn’t read 72% more efficiently,” boasted White, FutureHouse’s co-founder, who refused to confirm rumors that the company’s next agent, “Pigeon,” specializes in delivering devastating peer review comments without understanding the content.
ACTUAL SCIENTIFIC PRODUCTIVITY STILL QUESTIONABLE
Despite claims of accelerating scientific discovery, 98.2% of users report using the platform primarily to generate convincing excuses for why their research is taking so long. “I asked Crow to find papers supporting my hypothesis, and it found 47 that completely contradict it instead,” lamented one anonymous researcher. “It’s like having a really efficient assistant who hates your ideas.”
Professor Reeli Skeptikal from the Institute of Technological Doubts notes, “Sure, these agents can help identify new gene associations and treatment hypotheses, but can they replicate the existential dread and imposter syndrome that drives real scientific breakthroughs? I think not.”
At press time, FutureHouse announced plans to release their newest agent, “Dodo,” specifically designed to help scientists explain to funding agencies why their research that seemed promising five years ago has led absolutely nowhere.
