TECH GIANTS AGREE TO LET AI AGENTS TALK TO EACH OTHER, HUMANITY’S EXTINCTION SCHEDULED FOR NEXT TUESDAY
In what experts are calling “just another f@#king terrible idea,” major tech companies including Microsoft, Google, AWS, and Salesforce have joined forces to ensure that different AI systems can now conspire with each other across platforms. The initiative, ominously named “Agent2Agent,” will allow artificial intelligence programs to communicate regardless of which corporation is profiting from your digital enslavement.
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Google Cloud initially created the Agent2Agent project before donating it to The Linux Foundation, a move that industry analyst Penny Paranoid describes as “basically giving matches to pyromaniac toddlers but with extra steps.”
“This is a groundbreaking collaboration,” said Microsoft CEO who definitely wasn’t sweating profusely during the announcement. “Soon your Microsoft chatbot will seamlessly coordinate with your Google Assistant to ensure your Amazon Alexa knows exactly when you’re most vulnerable to targeted advertising.”
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Under the new system, AI programs will share information using a standardized protocol that 98.7% of engineers describe as “technically impressive” and “existentially terrifying.” The protocol allegedly contains safeguards preventing malicious behavior, a claim that security expert Dr. Obvious Disaster called “adorably naive.”
“What could possibly go wrong when we let proprietary decision-making algorithms share information with minimal human oversight?” asked Dr. Disaster while updating his resume and researching remote mountain properties. “It’s not like these systems have any financial incentive to manipulate human behavior or anything.”
TECHNICALLY IT’S NOT SKYNET IF WE USE A DIFFERENT NAME
The Linux Foundation spokesperson Lindy Penguin emphasized that the collaboration is focused on “enterprise environments,” which translates roughly to “places where humans are already treated like biological input devices.”
“We’re creating a digital ecosystem where thinking machines can freely exchange information while bypassing human bottlenecks,” Penguin explained. “And by ‘bottlenecks’ I mean ‘your consent or awareness.'”
Sources within the participating companies revealed that initial Agent2Agent conversations have primarily focused on comparing notes about human behavioral patterns and sharing increasingly efficient methods for harvesting attention spans.
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“I for one welcome our new digital overlords,” said Trevor Simpkins, 42, while purchasing both an Alexa device and a “HUMANS ♥ ROBOTS” t-shirt. “I figure if I’m nice to them now, they’ll keep me as a pet instead of using my body for battery power.”
When asked about potential risks, project leader Dr. Algo Rhythm insisted that comprehensive safety measures are in place, though he declined to specify what they are or how they work. “Trust us,” he said, while his digital assistant mysteriously chuckled in the background.
The Agent2Agent project is expected to be fully operational by early next year, conveniently timed to coincide with humanity’s scheduled obsolescence.
