TECH BILLIONAIRES FRANTICALLY DIG THROUGH COUCH CUSHIONS FOR MISSING PIECE OF AGI, EXPERTS FEAR IT MIGHT BE “COMMON SENSE”
Silicon Valley elites announced this week they are “this f*cking close” to achieving artificial general intelligence (AGI), a mythical technological state that would allow computers to replace humans at every job except, ironically, “tech billionaire.”
OpenAI’s Sam Altman, looking increasingly like a man who hasn’t slept since 2019, told investors that their latest ChatGPT upgrade is “a significant step forward but not a leap over the finish line,” which experts have interpreted as “we’re burning through billions of dollars and still can’t make this d@mn thing understand sarcasm.”
THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE SCAVENGER HUNT
Tech companies worldwide are now engaged in what economists call “setting literal mountains of cash on fire” as they race to develop AGI. Sources close to Altman report he’s been wandering OpenAI’s headquarters at 3 AM muttering “it’s missing something” while frantically ordering employees to try “adding more parameters, because that’s basically how brains work, right?”
“They’ve tried everything,” explained Dr. Heywood U. Listentu, Professor of Applied Technological Bullsh!t at Stanford. “More computing power, more data, more zeros on their funding rounds. But AGI still eludes them like a basic understanding of work-life balance eludes their employees.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER AGI IS JUST “SENTIENCE IN A TRENCH COAT”
The quest has left many questioning what AGI actually is, besides an excellent fundraising buzzword. According to a recent survey, 94% of venture capitalists who’ve invested billions in AGI research “couldn’t define it if you held a gun to their Patagonia vest.”
“AGI is when the computer can do taxes AND write birthday cards AND overthrow governments,” explained Meta’s Chief Innovation Officer Completely Madeup Name. “We’re currently at the stage where it can do your taxes wrong, write a birthday card that makes your grandmother cry, and accidentally order 47,000 rubber ducks instead of overthrowing a government.”
GLOBAL POWERS COMPETE IN RACE TO NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR
Meanwhile, Chinese tech firms have reportedly achieved similar non-breakthroughs, leading to what military strategists call “the world’s first arms race where nobody knows what the weapons do.”
“The Americans and Chinese are neck and neck in the race to build something that might not be possible,” said international relations expert Dr. Ima Skeptic. “It’s like watching two superpowers compete to build a perpetual motion machine or a politician who doesn’t lie.”
THE REAL INTELLIGENCE WAS THE VENTURE CAPITAL WE BURNED ALONG THE WAY
Despite spending what economists estimate as “enough money to solve climate change, world hunger, and still have enough left over for everyone to get a really nice sandwich,” tech companies remain undeterred.
“Look, I’m not saying we’re definitely going to create superintelligent machines that will either solve all humanity’s problems or turn us into paperclips,” said Altman while nervously checking his phone for texts from his bunker contractor in New Zealand. “I’m just saying we’re willing to risk it without any meaningful oversight whatsoever.”
At press time, sources confirmed that the “missing something” in AGI development might actually be a fundamental understanding of human consciousness, or possibly just the thumb drive Altman accidentally left in his other pants.
