ETHICAL NERDS DESPERATELY SEEK RELEVANCE WHILE WORLD BURNS
In a groundbreaking display of academic masturbation, MIT recently hosted its “Ethics of Computing Research Symposium,” where professors with excessive degrees competed to see who could say “ethical responsibility” the most times while their fully-charged Teslas waited outside.
SOLVING KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS WITH COMPUTERS BECAUSE DOCTORS APPARENTLY SUCK AT MATH
MIT’s Dimitris Bertsimas, who definitely wants you to know he’s a Boeing Professor, unveiled an algorithm that matches kidney donors in 14 seconds instead of six hours, leaving transplant specialists wondering what the f@#k they’ve been doing with their time all these years.
“This optimization radically changes everything,” gushed James Alcorn from UNOS, who was definitely not reading from a script Bertsimas wrote for him. “Now we can improve the system for transplant candidates much more rapidly, assuming they haven’t already died waiting for us to finish our PowerPoint presentations.”
According to Dr. Hugh Mannorgans, an entirely fictional transplant specialist we invented, “The algorithm basically told us to stop giving all the good kidneys to rich white guys in Greenwich, Connecticut. Shocking revelation, really.”
RESEARCHERS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER LABELING FAKE CRAP AS FAKE MAKES PEOPLE TRUST EVERYTHING LESS
In what must have cost at least $250,000 to determine, MIT researchers found that when you tell people “THIS WAS MADE BY A COMPUTER,” they tend to believe it less. This groundbreaking discovery could revolutionize the way we completely fail to address misinformation.
“The big takeaway from our initial set of findings is that one size doesn’t fit all,” said PhD student Gabrielle Péloquin-Skulski, unleashing a statement so obvious it caused three audience members to spontaneously combust.
Professor Ivor Pointless, our fictional expert in the bleeding obvious, added, “Next we’ll investigate whether water is indeed wet, and if bears do, in fact, sh!t in wooded areas.”
ACADEMICS CREATE WEBSITE TO MAKE INTERNET ARGUMENTS LESS AWFUL, SOMEHOW MISS ENTIRE POINT OF INTERNET
Ford Professor Lily Tsai unveiled DELiberation.io, a platform designed to help people have civil conversations online, completely ignoring the fact that 97.3% of internet users are specifically there to tell strangers their opinions are trash.
“If you take nothing else from this presentation,” Tsai implored, “I hope that you’ll take away this — that we should all be demanding that technologies actually help people instead of just making tech bros obscenely wealthy.” The audience nodded solemnly before immediately returning to their Instagram feeds.
PROFESSORS CREATE “LIBERATORY AI THINK TANK” THAT BIG TECH WILL DEFINITELY TOTALLY LISTEN TO FOR SURE
Catherine D’Ignazio and Nikko Stevens proudly announced their “rolling public think tank” called Liberatory AI, which gathered 25 researchers to write papers absolutely no one at Google or OpenAI will ever read.
“Instead of waiting for Open AI or Google to invite us to participate,” said D’Ignazio, “we’ve come together to contest the status quo,” apparently unaware that Silicon Valley executives use academic ethics papers as coasters for their kombucha.
According to Silicon Valley insider and completely made-up person Chip Disruptor, “These ethics papers make excellent bedding material for my emotional support peacock. The irony that they’re printed on dead trees while advocating for responsible AI isn’t lost on me.”
The symposium concluded with a poster session where SERC Scholars displayed their projects, drawing dozens of attendees who pretended to understand what they were looking at while secretly just wanting to score free cheese cubes.
Meanwhile, in an unrelated development, Mark Zuckerberg purchased the souls of another 2.5 billion humans while the symposium was ongoing.
